Dear John,

By the time you read these lines, I’ll be gone.

Well, I’m not really gone.  Just over here.  So stop crying.

It’s a wee bit sad, really, this moving.  Just a tiny bit.  Kind of like when you live in your first apartment, all cozy and tiny and there’s no dishwasher and it only takes an hour to clean all 800 square feet…I’ll miss that.  Except for the no dishwasher thing.  That sucks.  So you move to your new, bigger and fancier apartment, maybe with a spare bedroom, with a shiny dishwasher and a veranda.  That’s me now, except my veranda is a cork board.  But you’ll never forget your first place, filled with memories, like all the talks of boogers and zits.  But I bet I still talk about that at my new place.  Yeah, scenery changes, but the furniture stays the same.

Also, it doesn’t snow on my new blog.  I’ll miss that.  I could probably make it snow on my new blog, but it would require learning a whole new scary language.  Called HTML.  It’s supposed to be fun and exciting.  Really I just feel like I’m on a blind date with a deaf person who grew up in India.  I’m sure he’s cool, but we just don’t communicate.  Except for high fives.  And the universal sign for choking.

So anyways, I’m over here.  Ooh!  And Adventures with Edward is over here.  Yep, he’s got his own digs now.  He’s just too big to live solely in my handbag.  I think his minute fame is making his plastic head swell.

So change your feed reader thingies, switch your blogrolls, or just come over and see my new crib.  I’ve got post its!

Monday is a royal pain

It is wicked cold in here!  Where’s my Snuggie?

 

– Things the Queen would never say

Keyboard Confessions

1.  You know, I was beginning to think no one read these confessions until I skipped last week.  Then I had all kinds of questions- “Where are the Confessions??”  “Kearsie, did you disappear?”  “Please will you continue doing your Confessions??”

2.  …Ok, that might be a bit of a stretch.  It was only one person who noticed.  And she didn’t ask questions.  It was more like “Dude, there’s some Confessions missing from your blog.”

3.  So I like to read into things, ok?

4.  I don’t own a robe.  This is not really interesting at all, but this is what I was thinking of when I fell asleep last night.

5.  However, even if I owned a robe, I don’t think I’d ever have time to wear it. 

6.  My life is so not like the movies.  I don’t wake up at 4:30 a.m., shower, walk around in a robe for an hour with perfectly styled hair, slowly sipping on a cup of coffee, having witty banter with my kids at the breakfast table.

7.  Nay.  My mornings usually are more like repeating one phrase over and over:  hurry up!!!  we’re gonna be late!!!  hurry up!!!  we’re gonna be late!!! and then leaving the house with wet hair. 

8.  So, I think I’m ok with no robe.

9.  I’d much rather have a Snuggie.  To match Edward.

10.  It turns out, most of the folks around me think I’ve taken things a bit too far with my Edward doll.  Dude, what is so wrong with sewing a tshirt for Edward doll?  I don’t make fun of anyone else’s hobby, unless you collect Dale Earnhart, Jr. plates or something.  Then, hey, you’re just asking for it.

11.  …if one of you precious readers collects Dale Earnhart, Jr. collectable plates, I promise I will not make fun of you.  And I might even let you hold Edward doll.

12.  Sometimes, my office chair sinks down.  I’m pretty sure this is nature’s way of saying I’ve put on some weight.

13.  I gave my girls this tiny Christmas tree that stands about 1 foot tall.  They put it in their Barbie Mansion.  It needed lights, so I went to Walmart and found a tiny strand that is battery operated. They are super cute.  But guess what?  I’m pretty sure the light makers soaked the strand in cat pee.  The words “it stinks” is clearly understated.

14.  I found a tiny Santa coat.  That’s all I’m gonna say.

15.  My Hubs says after Christmas I am not allowed to sew or knit for a few months.  I suppose hearing me constantly complain of the pain in my wrist is a bit annoying.

16.  Guess what?  When your wrist is in constant pain having to sign 900 gagillion office Christmas cards is SO.MUCH.FUN.

17.  By Card # 3 I was like “screw it” and just basically scribbled.

18.  That’s ok, they can’t pronounce my name anyways.

19.  If anyone is missing some boogers, it’s because they are all in my nose.

20.  I have a date on Saturday.  So if you see the boogery nose lady all wrapped up in a hat and gloves, that would be me. 

Happy Friday!

Search Engine Terms, better known as How Weirdos Find Me

So, occassionally I like to post some strange search terms that folks Google that takes them to this here bloggity blog.  Here’s the latest.

words that sound like tomato

Hmm…potato?  That’s all I got. 

he paid me to rub my feet

Does he look like Tom Welling?  If so, I will let him pay me to rub my feet too. 

motivator sounds like

A dirty word, that’s what it sounds like.  At least to bad word replacer at Oxygen.

full bladder sweating

Umm, they make products for that.  Like Depends.

cow aerobic

Is this like, words that don’t go together?  Ooh  I wanna try!  Hmm…ok here goes:  cat pee christmas lights.  Durn, I think I’m missing something here.

ninja glare sheet music

Oh man, if you find the sheet music to “Ninja Glare” I will sooo buy it.  Because I know this one girl who would pay through the nose for it.

birds on tree poop my car

Wow.  That poor bird.  To poop a whole car.  Wow.

tomatoes give me gas

Febreze, my friend.

The Accidental Cougarist

So.  This very weird thing happened the other day.  I just had to tell you.

I went to lunch with some coworkers and a friend.  No, that’s not the weird thing.  I’m getting to the weird thing.  I ordered my usual Diet Coke and lunch special and noshed on some chips and salsa.  That’s not the weird thing either.  Sheesh.  Be patient, folks.

Now, me and The Hubs are frequenters.  Meaning, we frequent the same restaurants and stores wherever we live.  We like to have witty banter with the waiters and cashiers.  We like knowing what’s happening in other people’s lives because we’re nosey friendly that way. 

So our waiter that day was (changing name to protect the innocent) Geraldo.  I spoke to Geraldo, asking how his Thanksgiving was.  I smiled.  I looked at him in the eyeball, because I think it would be weird to look anywhere else.  I threw in what little Spanish I know.  But it was harmless stuff, like no guacamole or sour cream, por favor.  Harmless.

Our meal comes, we dig in.  Geraldo comes back, refills our drinks, asks how things are, we smile and say things are great. 

Geraldo comes back, takes our plates away.  We wait patiently for our tickets. 

However.

Geraldo did not bring us our tickets.  Nay.  Instead, he brought us some ice cream, with whipped cream, and half a dozen cherries and chocolate sauce on top. 

I did not know what to think. 

That’s a lie.  I had many things to think:

1.  Will I have to pay for this?

2.  I do not like whipped cream, but I will feel like an ingrate if I don’t at least eat some.

3.  This will give me gas.  Not to mention all the refried beans from my meal.

4.  Oooh, more than one cherry!  It’s like an ice cream condiment jackpot!

5.  If I sit and tie all those stems in a knot with my tongue will that seem braggy?

6.  I need to share this.

7.  But what if the person I share this with has a cold?

8.  Dude.  Did Geraldo give me this ice cream because he thinks all my conversation was FLIRTING?

9.  The Hubs thinks I’m a flirt.  I think he smokes crack.

10.  …am I a Cougar?  

11.  I think I’m too young to be a Cougar.

12.  Maybe I’m a Puma.

13.  Hmm, that teenaged kid I sat next to at New Moon said I was a Cougar.

14.  Dude.  That is really insulting.  I am much too young to be a Cougar.

15.  I wish I could kick that kid’s butt.

16.  Besides, what was he doing at New Moon by himself anyways?

17.  Weirdo.

18.  Dude, all this thinking is hurting my brain.

19.  Wait.  Maybe it’s a freeze brain. 

20.  Is there still a can of Febreze in my office?

21.  I’m going to have to sneak to use it, else coworkers will know I have The Gas.

22. Too bad I just can’t come out with a public announcement I have gas. 

23.  My kids do it.  It’s cute when they do it.  Why isn’t it cute when I do it?

24.  It’s cute when my kids have pudgy thighs too.

25.  So unfair.

26.  Score!  I’m the only one who likes cherries.

27.  Can you overdose on cherries?

28.  Do cherries cause gas?

29.  Oh man, I better quit while I’m ahead.

30.  I wonder if Geraldo would get me a refill on my Diet Coke…

So the moral of the story is, be nice to your waiter and you might get free ice cream.  Or, be nice to your waiter and he might think you’re a Cougar.

Monday is a royal pain

I love that blog called Sounds Like Tomatoes!  That writer is pure genius!

 

-Things the Queen would never say

 

Sigh.

Adventures with Edward: Edward goes to the movies

Setting:  Outside the movie theater

Edward is chillin and relaxin on the fountain outside of the movie theater.  He’s all set to see New Moon.  If nothing other than to make fun of Jacob.  And drool for Bella.  She looks just like this doll he knows.

He’s got on his TEAM EDWARD shirt, to show his support.  The puff paint looks very manly.

Suddenly, he looks over and sees…himself.

 

“Hi!” the copy of himself says.  It’s eerie.  Except for the scarf and Tshirt, this guy looks JUST LIKE HIM.

“Hi!” says Edward.  They stare at each other for a moment.  It’s like a Twilight Zone moment.  They have the same Pea Coat, the same tight fitting jeans. They even have the same spiky hair.

“We must be brothers.  Separated at birth.  I’m Edward,” says the Edward copy.

“Dude.  My name is Edward too.  I’m going to see New Moon.  Wanna see it with me?”

“Sure, dude.”

They stare at each other for another moment, then go for a man, er- doll hug.  It’s awkward and plasticky and their arms don’t bend, but whatever.  Bros for life.

Inside in the theater, they share a seat and watch the movie.  Jacob definitely has the abs.  But Edward has the Bella. 

Too bad the concession stand doesn’t sell any mountain lion or gazelles.

Monday is a royal pain

I totally need to stock up on some Beano before Thanksgiving.

 

– Things the Queen would never say

Keyboard Confessions

1.  My bestie, Robin, is here from Alaska.

2.  This means I went to bed very very late.

3.  No one is allowed to talk about New Moon with me.  Because me and The Bestie won’t be going until tomorrow.

4.  Also, I’m suspecting The Hubs is jealous of not getting to see New Moon with me.

5.  I also am suspecting that Snuggie could be suing me over yesterday’s Adventures with Edward post.

6.  Wouldn’t that totally suck?  “Why are you doing time, Kearsie?”  “Oh, I killed a man, did a B & E at my bank, I made a Snuggie for my Twilight Doll”. 

7.  I bet those inmates would think I was so hard core.

8.  I wonder if I could bring my Edward doll to jail?  That’d make a killer post “Adventures with Edward: Edward does time for an infomercial”.

9.  Oh my gosh, I’m totally tearing up thinking about Edward in jail.

10.  Ya’ll, I am not totally tearing up thinking about Edward in jail.  I just say that stuff.  *wipes eyes*

11.  One more Christmas gift down.  Since you’re all curious of my progress.

12.  It’s kind of embarrassing how The Bestie will see how little I work.

13.  I’m trying to type away so it looks like I’m busy.  However, she just watched me typing my blog, so I don’t think she’s all that impressed.

14.  It’s so liberating to have friends you can talk about poop with and they don’t ditch you.

15.  It’s also liberating that some friends have Edward dolls and don’t judge.

16.  The Runner just made The Bestie shred paper. 

17.  The Bestie just jammed up the shredder.  Now she’s all panicked.  I’m just laughing.

18.  I’m suuuuch a good Bestie.

19.  Also I have suuuuch a headache.  Can you get a hangover from late night talking? 

20.  Ok, The Bestie wants dibs on this last Keyboard Confession.  She says they’ve totally worn out that Taylor Swift song “You Belong With Me”.  Word, Bestie.  Word.

Happy Friday.

Adventures with Edward: Edward and the Infomercial

Setting:  The Barbie Mansion

One day, Edward is kickin it in the Barbie Mansion. 

He’s watching his favorite show:

LOST.  Best show EVER.  He settles in and watches a re-run.  He’s very confused. 

A commercial comes on.  Edward is instantly captivated.

“The Micro-Snuggie*!” he shouts.  “Please can I get one?  Please?  Pleeeeeeaaaaasssseeee?”

And because I’m a sucker for cute vampire dolls, I say yes.

Edward orders a Snuggie to match his scarf. 

Three weeks later, it arrives. 

Edward tries it on.

“Well, whaddya think?” Edward says, standing ever so proudly in his new Snuggie.

“Erm, very…manly,” I say. 

Edward goes back to watching LOST re-runs.  He feels like he’s in the Snuggie infomercial.  Too bad there’s no Barbie remote.

Durned if I’m not jealous of Edward’s Snuggie.

* This is not actually a Snuggie.  Please do not contact Snuggie asking for a Snuggie, else I shall be sued.