Archive for March, 2009

More search engine terms

Tis time to do another post of search engine terms used to find this here blog.


Wedgie picking voyeur

Hmm.  Well…hmm.  I suppose this is better than “booger picking voyeur”.


Coaster porn

I wonder if I am using the word “porn” too much. 


Filming + “peed outside”

Shame on you, whoever this is.  Shame.


Sounds like tomatoes

This makes me tear up just a little.  In joy.


Ode to laundry

This one makes me tear up a lot.  In joy.  Because I wrote this ode.  That not one person commented on.


What is wrong being asian?

Not one thing, according to me.  Although, I’m not sure why that led you to my blog.


“my bunions”

I understand your pain, friend.  Truly.


How to not be afraid of scary movies

Dude, when you find the answer to this, please let me know. 


Happy Tuesday.

Q & A

I sit here staring at my computer, on my blog which I love with the fire of a thousand suns, and I have nothing new to share.

Rather than go through another period of writer’s block where I torture you, I am just going to ask if you sweet readers out there have any questions for me?  I will answer as honestly as I can.*

So, lemme have it.


Also, I will answer one question right now.  It’s a question I’ve been asked in several private emails from readers. 

Q:  Are you funny in person?

A: AHAHAHAHAHA.  No.  Not really.  It’s all in my head.   


Any other questions?


(* unless that question is anything along the lines of “How much do you weigh?” Then I will lie my Fatty McFattington sized pants off.  Just sayin.)

The Twilight Coma

I have written before on Twilight.  There was the post about the book and then about the movie.  I only add the linkage so you can get the full affect.  Or is it effect?  Anyways.

Now, I must write about the Coma that follows.

I picked up Twilight in August of last year.  I read it, read it again, and pleaded with my husband to buy the next two.  Then the fourth book came out, and he was a good sport and bought me that one too.

What he didn’t bargain for was the comatose-like state I was in for the next few weeks.  I tried to explain to him, and to anyone else who would listen, about how fascinating it was to crawl into the imaginary world of Twilight, of Forks, Washington, of Italy, of a tiny island called Isle Esme.  I tried to explain to Lance how I felt like a teenager again, how I wished I could go back to when just holding his hand gave me goosebumps, how the anticipatory first kiss shot electrical currents.  He didn’t get it.  The coma was a comfortable cocoon where reality was a far off thing and the imaginary world surrounded me.

I read the series three times in a row.  I know what you’re thinking, because I would think it as well.  You’re thinking, “Madness!  Waste of time!  Get a haircut!”

I found understanding in a few friends and coworkers, who loved the books as much as I do.  We talked Twilight extensively, passionately.  It was like a support group.

Finally, I picked up other books, trying to swim my way out of the world of Stephenie Meyer, and back into reality. Except, reality was just so boring.  Reality was bills and work and laundry and mundane life.  Reality had no sparkle. 

I re-read the Harry Potter series, turning my eyes to J. K. Rowling‘s world.  That helped for a time. 

Finally, I was ok.  I didn’t feel that pull to Twilight anymore.  It became just a pleasant memory.

Then the movie came out on DVD.

The pull- it had me once more.  I watched the entire DVD, all special features, both discs.  It was an awesome evening.  I just ignored Lance’s comments.

Now, I’m back to reading the books again. 

Tell me, Twilight readers out there- have you experienced the Coma, too?

Confessions, now made public

Here are some of the things I have kept to myself, that I am now spilling into public air in hopes that I feel lighter.

1.  I kind of wish my car had spinners.

2.  Wearing long dangly earrings and painted fingernails make me feel conspicuous. 

3.  I wish I could sing and dance.  But ladies with big bosoms can’t dance.  Or shouldn’t.  Also, sorry male readers.

4.  If there is a choice of being outside and active and staying inside and reading, the book wins every time.  Which is kind of why my body has a squishy appearance.

5.  I wrote the first chapter a few weeks ago to the book in my head. 

6.  Now I’m scared to write the rest.  What if it totally sucks?  Is this how Stephen King felt writing his first book?

7.  How arrogant am I to compare myself to a legend like Stephen King?

8.  Lance and I were talking the other day about our goals, and all I could think is I want to be a writer.  A skinny writer.

9.  Do you remember that scene in Fried Green Tomatoes where Kathy Bates’ character is crying and saying she wished she was brave enough just to get really fat and be done with it?  I totally get that. 

10.  I wished I wasn’t so impatient with people.

11.  Or myself.

12.  Is personal discipline a learned thing?  If so, I missed that lesson.

13.  When I was in the 3rd grade, I was in a spelling bee.  I missed the first word FUGITIVE.  I had never even heard that word before.  I’m still bitter at losing. 

14.  Every school I had ever attended recommended me for the Gifted Program.  We always moved so I never got to be Gifted.  I wonder how my life would be now if I had done that?  I’ll bet I would be able to spell vacuum or broccoli without using Google.

15.  When I was in the 6th grade, I was the fastest female at running in my class.  Then I was diagnosed with hyper-glycemia and my sugar intake was reduced.  Then I became the slowest.  I wished I had that fast-running thing again.  Also, back to the big bosomy thing- it makes running impossible.  And kind of obscene.

16.  I suck at small talk. 

17.  This makes me not so great with new people.

18.  Actually, in real life, I can be pretty intense, which I’m told makes me intimidating.  Also, I need to lighten up.

19.  I fear mediocrity.  And being boring. 

20.  I also fear I’m kind of immature.  Then I think when I’m 80 I’ll wish I was 33 again.  So maybe it doesn’t matter. 

21.  I laugh at inappropriate things.  I’m ok with this.

22.  I haven’t mopped my floors in a month.  I’m also ok with this.

23.  Lance bought me a new computer.  I am kind of scared of it. 

23.  I sometimes lie exaggerate the truth on this here blog, and I’m always surprised when people don’t know that, like my mom.

24.  I have listened to four songs from the Twilight soundtrack  My kids even sing them with me.  I don’t think Lance approves.

25.  I sometimes wonder if life handed me a Do Over, would I take it?

26.  Which is what my book is about.

27.  I also wonder who is still reading this.

28.  Hmm, it seems I am at the end of my confessions.


Want to confess something?  Feel free, you can do it anonymously.

Dear Reese’s Cup,


This letter is to inform you that I am breaking up with you in order to attain my goal of my dream body.  In case you forgot, you can read about that here.

Besides, I’ve been cheating on you with Kit Kat recently.  Your tasty and fatty ways are no longer #1 in my mind. 

We can still be friends. 





We had the unexpected pleasure of trekking to Florida this last week for Spring Break.  We rented a car, borrowed a GPS from my inlaws, packed up and drove to see my family.  Here are pictures for your viewing pleasure.  Also, this may be as boring as seeing someones vacation slides from Europe.  Feel free to head to Cake Wrecks.


When using GPS, make sure to check the settings, lest you wind up on some road like this:



Even the girls were like, “Um, I don’t think this is the right road…there are cows right next to us.”

I don’t even know the name of this road.  It was like Bob’s Road.  Finally, I looked at the GPS settings and realized it was set to LOCAL.  Yep, always check the settings.

We made it to Florida and saw the family.  My sister had just had a baby named Mayer.  I held her as often as I could.  Here is her beauty for you to ooh and aah.




and my personal favorite:



I woke her up taking off her socks to get this picture.  She paid me back by spitting up all over me.

We also got to dote on my other niece, Lilah.  She especially loved her cousins whom she called “husbands”.



We did fun things like go to the park, which is like free Disney World to my kids. 



We climbed trees.  I say we like the royal “we”.  I, personally, had nothing to do with the trees except look at them.



There was also lots of swinging.  And then there was some sliding. 



Synchronized sliding is very difficult to direct with children.  This picture is attempt #7. 

Then we went to the beach.  It was my two girls’ first time to see the ocean and walk on sand. 



The girls were VERY put out with me that I didn’t bring their bathing suits. 

Then we went to the Homosassa Springs Natural Wildlife Park.  I was most impressed by the fact that all the workers are actually volunteers.


Waiting for the manitee show to start.

Waiting for the manatee show to start.


Note to self:  don’t allow pictures to be taken of my backside.  Not my best feature.  Also, you don’t see the large man that sat directly in front of me who I was convinced would lean back and knock me off the bleachers.  Also not seen in this picture is the woman who sat directly in front of Lance who had the Grand Canyon as butt crack.  Also not her best feature. 

Finally we saw the manatees.  They don’t do a whole lot.



Back at my mom’s house, the girls made banana pudding. 



I caught Addie just as she was putting her fingers in her mouth.  Rest assured, I made her wash her hands again.  The pudding was delicious, even with possible Addie slobber.

Twas a fun trip.  I suspect my brain is now banana pudding.  Also, now I’m craving vanilla wafers. 

Happy Tuesday!

Got Lemonade?

Well, I do.  At least in the form of my new blog award from Jenna of Glitter and Rhinestones.  Her blog is full of arts and craps, fool.  Here is her shop.



The award is for wonderful blogs demonstrating great attitude and/or gratitude.  Thanks Jenna!!!!

Rules for the award:
1. Put the logo on your blog or post.
2. Nominate 10 blogs that show attitude and/or gratitude.
3. Be sure to link to your nominees within your post.
4. Let them know they have received this award by commenting on a post.
5. Nominate your favorites and link to this blog.


1.  My buddy and pal and Scrabble playah extraordinaire, Jenny Bunny.  I wish I was as talented at making jewelry as she is.  Love her Acorn earrings

2.  My new buddy and pal who I stalked all the way to Facebook, Samantha of Old But New.  She makes wonderful antique jewelryand hasn’t made one mention of a restraining order against me and my stalkery ways. 

3.  My Guilt partner, Lindsay of Musings of the Mrs.  I haven’t a clue as to how she stumbled upon my blog, but I’m so glad she did.

4.  My twin, my sister from another mister, and mother for that matter, Shauna of Lemon Drop Studios.  Her shop is here.  I am hoping she starts making cards that say WORD

5.  Melinda of Autumn Olive, who always displays beautiful new finds.  She also has a shopand was so kind as to send me some crazy healthy breakfasty stuff in the mail.  I’d tell you what it is but I can’t spell it.  But it looks yummy with raisins. 

6.  Joan from The Retirement Chronicles is also a hoot, she definitely displays an attitude.  She’s also been awarded this Lemonade Award at least 93 times.  Want one more, Joan?

7.  Lara from Red Red Whine, who loves books and makes me feel less nerdy, and also not nearly as smart as I thought I was.  I stalked her to friendship, too. 

8.  Liz, from Lovely Little Lovelies, who doesn’t even know I exist, but has a daughter she calls Addie and makes stuff, ergo she is worthy of an award.  She has a shop here.

9.  Akane Designs, erm, of Akane Designs, who told me I made her laugh out loud.  Had to award her for that.  Also, she has the cutest items in her shop.

10. 13 Delancey Street who makes the coolest magnets ever.  Here is her shop.


Phew!  Of course, all the folks over on my blog roll over there <— deserve accolades and awards for their efforts in blogging. 


Thanks again Jenna!

We are back

I have nothing more to write until my brain has returned to a solid state. 


I will do a proper post tomorrow with pictures.



When going on vacation…

1.  Spend your time at work blogging and/or facebooking.  Because really, who can think of work when you’re planning a vacation?  It’s much better to let work stack up to overwhelming heights for your return.

2.  Write a list of what you’ll need and then don’t go by it.  Because really, who needs to remember underwear?  That’s what Walmart is for.  Plus, it’s in Florida so it feels Exotic.

3.  Do laundry several days in a row in order to get the “good” clothes in your suitcase and then wear “good” clothes instead of packing them.  Because really, who doesn’t want to stay up until midnight doing their laundry the night before they leave?  You can always sleep in the car.

4.  Decide to save your bonus check for your vacation and instead spend it on new clothes and way too expensive but just too darn cute to pass up flip flops.  Because really, what are you planning to buy in Florida?  You’ll be poor but at least you’ll feel cute.

5.  Get a hair cut precisely two days before leaving so you will have no idea how to fix your newly shorn hair.  Because really, who doesn’t like new hair adventure?  And you’re always behind the camera anyways.

6.  Line up all your luggage by the door the night before and when you leave, forget your toiletries bag.  Because really, who doesn’t want to shop at an expensive Florida grocery store for all new toiletries?  (True story, that.)

7.  When traveling with kids, buy them new activities to occupy them during the car ride then give said new activities to them three days earlier.  Because really, who doesn’t want bored children for a 12 hour car ride?  That’s what Benedryl is for.  (I jest, people.)

8.  Buy a fish for your daughter’s birthday and then leave on a 5 day trip, leaving Darby behind.  Because really, don’t children need to learn about death?  Fish die, it’s a fact of life.

9.  Have intentions of charging phone and camera but don’t, and leave the chargers behind.  Because really, what would you use your phone and camera for anyways?  I like to live dangerously.

10.  When driving a 12 hour trip, plan to bring maps and/or a GPS but forget to do so.  Because really, who gets lost on a 12 hour trip?  (Erm, that might be a true story, too.)


I’m off for the sunny and humid skies of Florida to see my family.  See you on Monday!!!

Muffins, anyone?

I get out of bed, get dressed in a nice clean outfit and head out for my day. 

For me today, it’s Work.  I don’t  know why I capitalized that.  Maybe because it makes me feel Important.

Anyways.  So I’m sitting at my desk, typing away at my blog at Important Legal Work, when I feel it.


A breeze. 


It’s not hitting my face.  Nor my neck.  Not even my bare pigs in my new Yellow Box Flip Flops that I’m too embarrassed to admit how much I spent buying them. 

I feel a breeze on my belly.

I slowly bring my arms down to my sides and realize that my shirt has steadily inched its way up until two inches of my midriff are now exposed to open air.


Sounds risque’, I know.  Unfortunately, this skin is also my fat roll.


Reality, I’m bringing sexy back.