Archive for the ‘Food’ Category

The Accidental Cougarist

So.  This very weird thing happened the other day.  I just had to tell you.

I went to lunch with some coworkers and a friend.  No, that’s not the weird thing.  I’m getting to the weird thing.  I ordered my usual Diet Coke and lunch special and noshed on some chips and salsa.  That’s not the weird thing either.  Sheesh.  Be patient, folks.

Now, me and The Hubs are frequenters.  Meaning, we frequent the same restaurants and stores wherever we live.  We like to have witty banter with the waiters and cashiers.  We like knowing what’s happening in other people’s lives because we’re nosey friendly that way. 

So our waiter that day was (changing name to protect the innocent) Geraldo.  I spoke to Geraldo, asking how his Thanksgiving was.  I smiled.  I looked at him in the eyeball, because I think it would be weird to look anywhere else.  I threw in what little Spanish I know.  But it was harmless stuff, like no guacamole or sour cream, por favor.  Harmless.

Our meal comes, we dig in.  Geraldo comes back, refills our drinks, asks how things are, we smile and say things are great. 

Geraldo comes back, takes our plates away.  We wait patiently for our tickets. 


Geraldo did not bring us our tickets.  Nay.  Instead, he brought us some ice cream, with whipped cream, and half a dozen cherries and chocolate sauce on top. 

I did not know what to think. 

That’s a lie.  I had many things to think:

1.  Will I have to pay for this?

2.  I do not like whipped cream, but I will feel like an ingrate if I don’t at least eat some.

3.  This will give me gas.  Not to mention all the refried beans from my meal.

4.  Oooh, more than one cherry!  It’s like an ice cream condiment jackpot!

5.  If I sit and tie all those stems in a knot with my tongue will that seem braggy?

6.  I need to share this.

7.  But what if the person I share this with has a cold?

8.  Dude.  Did Geraldo give me this ice cream because he thinks all my conversation was FLIRTING?

9.  The Hubs thinks I’m a flirt.  I think he smokes crack.

10.  …am I a Cougar?  

11.  I think I’m too young to be a Cougar.

12.  Maybe I’m a Puma.

13.  Hmm, that teenaged kid I sat next to at New Moon said I was a Cougar.

14.  Dude.  That is really insulting.  I am much too young to be a Cougar.

15.  I wish I could kick that kid’s butt.

16.  Besides, what was he doing at New Moon by himself anyways?

17.  Weirdo.

18.  Dude, all this thinking is hurting my brain.

19.  Wait.  Maybe it’s a freeze brain. 

20.  Is there still a can of Febreze in my office?

21.  I’m going to have to sneak to use it, else coworkers will know I have The Gas.

22. Too bad I just can’t come out with a public announcement I have gas. 

23.  My kids do it.  It’s cute when they do it.  Why isn’t it cute when I do it?

24.  It’s cute when my kids have pudgy thighs too.

25.  So unfair.

26.  Score!  I’m the only one who likes cherries.

27.  Can you overdose on cherries?

28.  Do cherries cause gas?

29.  Oh man, I better quit while I’m ahead.

30.  I wonder if Geraldo would get me a refill on my Diet Coke…

So the moral of the story is, be nice to your waiter and you might get free ice cream.  Or, be nice to your waiter and he might think you’re a Cougar.


Monday is a royal pain

I totally need to stock up on some Beano before Thanksgiving.


– Things the Queen would never say

Monday is a royal pain

Dude, get me a Slim Jim while you’re in there.  Ooh and a Big Gulp with Dr. Pepper, mkay?


-Things the Queen would never say

Keyboard Confessions

1.  Today is Friday the 13th.  I really hope I see someone dressed up in a hockey mask with a knife in hand or else the hype of this day will be lost. 

2.  Take my advice:  don’t eat a banana and then immediately drink from a soda can.  Trust me on this. 

3.  *Burp*  ugh…gross.

4.  Guess what?  Painting for 5 hours straight will kill your arms.  I know, I was surprised too.

5.  I totally stole the Hubs’ new jacket.  I’m not giving it back.  Ever.  *cuddling in the soft squishiness of the jacket*

6.  Pennies are money.  Except guess what?  No one likes it when you use pennies in the Self-Checkout lines at Wal-Mart.  Trust me on this.

7.  Ever wanted to be a Ninja?  Alls you gotta do is learn to Glare.

8.  Now in case you’re like me and end up stabbing yourself in the forehead and eyeball trying to do the complicated hand gesture thingy, here is a tutorial.  Yes I’m serious.

9.  You’re welcome.

10.  I have obtained three more Christmas gifts.  That makes a total of five.  I am still very very very behind. 

11.  I’m very glad to say that my love for Party in the USA has waned.  I only watch the video like…three times a week.  Tops. 

12.  I let some folks in on the upcoming Adventures with Edward posts.  There was a whole lot of staring.  Most of it was by The Hubs.

13.  Do you think the Queen gets on the innernets? 

14.  Do you think the Queen reads my blog?  I know, she’d totally love it.

15.  Do you think Stephenie Meyer reads my Adventures with Edward?  I know, she’d totally LOL.  Or sue me, one of the two.

16.  I’ve given up on making risotto.  It’s just too much pressure to be a good cook. 

17.  Hubs and I just switched sides of the bed.  Which means it feels like I’m totally getting up on the wrong side of the bed.

18.  Today is the last day to enter this giveaway:

19.  I super hope I win. 

20.  Happy Friday!

Monday is a royal pain

Let’s throw a toga party!  I’ll get the food.  You think 500 Krystal burgers will be enough?


– Things the Queen would never say

Keyboard Confessions

1.  I got to thinking the other day.  I’m turning 34 this month, and if I make it all the way to 68 then this is my middle of my life.  Which means I’m middle-aged.  Which means it’s ok to have a mid-life crisis.  Should I do something uber crazy?  Like get a tattoo or dye my hair?  Or maybe just make tacky jokes.  That’s way less high maintenance.

2.  What does it say about me that I did not mind that Blockbuster is already promoting Christmas movies?  Too bad Hubs has rules. 

3.  I told Co-worker that I was sad at how much I like that Party in the USA song.  She responded with “What can I say, she captivates the world”.  She said this without cracking a smile.

4.  hahaahahahahaah still laughing at that

5.  Going to see Christmas Carol in 3D tonight.  I am wondering if it’s ok to eat Twizzlers as my dinner. 

6.  I bet there’s fiber.  Or, umm, Vitamin something or other. 

7.  Speaking of fiber, I ate two Fiber One granola bars yesterday.  I won’t tell you how my evening went.

8.  But don’t worry, everything came out all right. 

9.  I am itching to delete that last sentence.  But I’m going through my mid-life crisis, see, so I’m supposed to say rash and bold things like that.  Right?  Erm.

10.  Maybe I should just dye my hair.  I can’t handle the pressure of bold and rash statements. 

11.  I cleaned my laundry room the other day.  It’s all nice and clean and lint free and you can see the sparkly floor.  Hubs found me in there the other day just standing around.  He asked, “What are you doing in there?”  I said, “It’s the only clean room in the house.  I just like to hang out in here.”  He blinked a few times and walked away.  Poor Hubs.  

12.  I dreamed last night that my mother in law came into our house in the middle of the night.  Then she left a choir book and a CD with a note that said “Be there this Sunday to sing this”.  And I was panicked.  I bet Freud would have all kinds of weird stuff to say about this.  I personally think I shouldn’t have eaten all those Wheat Thins right before bed.

13.  But then I dreamed that I was taking my kids to school and parked like a zillion blocks away and made them walk.  That must’ve been all the Pink Lemonade I drank.

14.  Don’t ask the Subway Sandwich Builder Guy how his day was unless you really want to know.  Because apparently the guy who works near me had an awful day and he hates his job.   

15.  He wasn’t very interested in putting together my sandwich.  Two olives do not make a tasty sandwich.

16.  Also, I can’t handle all the decisions.  Toasted?  Not toasted?  That’s just too much pressure.

17.  You know what else is too much pressure?  Besides the fact I have to pee?  Finishing this list.

18.  I’m allowed to quit at #18.  I’m having a mid-life crisis, remember? 

Happy Friday.

Confessions of my dirty keyboard

1.  I got to looking at my keyboard.  It’s really disgusting.  There’s about 5,000 crumbs all stuck in there.  It might feed a small country.  A very small country, filled with small folks, who eat small meals like crumbs.

2.  You know what else has about 5,000 crumbs?  My couch.  I know this because yesterday I had to tear apart my living room because I lost my diamond earring.  It wasn’t like a Liz Taylor Giant Egg Shaped $90,000 earring, but it was special to me nonetheless.  The Hubs gave the pair to me for our first Christmas.  Anyways, I had to dig all around and wade through the crumbs for my earring.  Kind of gross and awesome all at the same time.  Like childbirth.

3.  But I’m not going to say anything about all the hair I found or else you will gag. 

4.  Too late?

5.  This year for Halloween we decided to go whole hog and let our girls dress up.  Did you know you can provide electricity for that small country in #1 with what you pay for costumes?  Yeah, me neither.  If someone finds my arm and leg, please call me ASAP. 

6.  However, you will not find a prettier princess or awesomer SuperGirl.  No you won’t.  Quit arguing.

7.  8 weeks until Christmas. *hyperventilate*  I have two presents.  Two.  *stroking out from hyperventilating*

8.  Someone sent me free yarn in exchange for me knitting a cool and funky scarf.  I’m pretty sure this means I’m a yarn whore.

9.  I’m also pretty sure I have tendonitis/carpal tunnel/arthritis/wrist killing me/hand falling off in pain.  I wonder what my co-pay will be for all that?  I might could also provide housing for that small country.

10.  I’ve decided to not cut my hair for a year.  This means that my chronic bad hair is no longer just a cute saying. 

11.  I am addicted to this one song.  You know, from last week?  Too lazy to scroll on down?  Oh for Pete’s sake, I’ll just put the link again.

12.  However, since then, my addiction has been fed from another source.  Prepare to love this song even more.

13. It makes Insanity Kim happy that I have an interest in ASL.  It makes me happy when he does the homesick sign *chin pimple popping motion*.  Pure awesomeness.

14.  It’s a sickness.  I must watch it again.  I wish I could find Captain Valor and give him a high five.  Yeah *fist up and down*.

15.  You hear that sound?  That’s the sound me losing all credibility with my readers because of a stupid Miley Cyrus song. 

16.  Now that’s the sound of me of eating an Almond Joy.  I found one the other day with no almond.  It’s just like those times people eat a McNugget and find a chicken foot.  I ate it anyways even though it was false advertising as it was really a Mounds bar.

17.  I wish I had an awesome name like Captain Valor.  Any suggestions? 

18.  Hubs and I had a fun conversation last night.  You know how in some homes when you walk in the door the homeowners make you take off your shoes?  Even though your feet are all gross and sweaty and smelly and warty and crusty heels and no toenail polish and junk and you feel all uncomfortable?  Well what if you entered the home of a nudist, would they make you take your clothes off?  It’s kind of the same thing.  At least, that was our logic last night at 11:30 p.m.

19.  I hope Hubs has stopped reading my blogs.

20.  Happy Friday.