Posts Tagged ‘Adventures with Edward’

Dear John,

By the time you read these lines, I’ll be gone.

Well, I’m not really gone.  Just over here.  So stop crying.

It’s a wee bit sad, really, this moving.  Just a tiny bit.  Kind of like when you live in your first apartment, all cozy and tiny and there’s no dishwasher and it only takes an hour to clean all 800 square feet…I’ll miss that.  Except for the no dishwasher thing.  That sucks.  So you move to your new, bigger and fancier apartment, maybe with a spare bedroom, with a shiny dishwasher and a veranda.  That’s me now, except my veranda is a cork board.  But you’ll never forget your first place, filled with memories, like all the talks of boogers and zits.  But I bet I still talk about that at my new place.  Yeah, scenery changes, but the furniture stays the same.

Also, it doesn’t snow on my new blog.  I’ll miss that.  I could probably make it snow on my new blog, but it would require learning a whole new scary language.  Called HTML.  It’s supposed to be fun and exciting.  Really I just feel like I’m on a blind date with a deaf person who grew up in India.  I’m sure he’s cool, but we just don’t communicate.  Except for high fives.  And the universal sign for choking.

So anyways, I’m over here.  Ooh!  And Adventures with Edward is over here.  Yep, he’s got his own digs now.  He’s just too big to live solely in my handbag.  I think his minute fame is making his plastic head swell.

So change your feed reader thingies, switch your blogrolls, or just come over and see my new crib.  I’ve got post its!

Adventures with Edward: Edward goes to the movies

Setting:  Outside the movie theater

Edward is chillin and relaxin on the fountain outside of the movie theater.  He’s all set to see New Moon.  If nothing other than to make fun of Jacob.  And drool for Bella.  She looks just like this doll he knows.

He’s got on his TEAM EDWARD shirt, to show his support.  The puff paint looks very manly.

Suddenly, he looks over and sees…himself.

 

“Hi!” the copy of himself says.  It’s eerie.  Except for the scarf and Tshirt, this guy looks JUST LIKE HIM.

“Hi!” says Edward.  They stare at each other for a moment.  It’s like a Twilight Zone moment.  They have the same Pea Coat, the same tight fitting jeans. They even have the same spiky hair.

“We must be brothers.  Separated at birth.  I’m Edward,” says the Edward copy.

“Dude.  My name is Edward too.  I’m going to see New Moon.  Wanna see it with me?”

“Sure, dude.”

They stare at each other for another moment, then go for a man, er- doll hug.  It’s awkward and plasticky and their arms don’t bend, but whatever.  Bros for life.

Inside in the theater, they share a seat and watch the movie.  Jacob definitely has the abs.  But Edward has the Bella. 

Too bad the concession stand doesn’t sell any mountain lion or gazelles.

Adventures with Edward: Edward and the Infomercial

Setting:  The Barbie Mansion

One day, Edward is kickin it in the Barbie Mansion. 

He’s watching his favorite show:

LOST.  Best show EVER.  He settles in and watches a re-run.  He’s very confused. 

A commercial comes on.  Edward is instantly captivated.

“The Micro-Snuggie*!” he shouts.  “Please can I get one?  Please?  Pleeeeeeaaaaasssseeee?”

And because I’m a sucker for cute vampire dolls, I say yes.

Edward orders a Snuggie to match his scarf. 

Three weeks later, it arrives. 

Edward tries it on.

“Well, whaddya think?” Edward says, standing ever so proudly in his new Snuggie.

“Erm, very…manly,” I say. 

Edward goes back to watching LOST re-runs.  He feels like he’s in the Snuggie infomercial.  Too bad there’s no Barbie remote.

Durned if I’m not jealous of Edward’s Snuggie.

* This is not actually a Snuggie.  Please do not contact Snuggie asking for a Snuggie, else I shall be sued.

Adventures with Edward: Edward plays charades

Setting: Desk of the human

 

Edward, bored out of his plastic mind, crawls out of my handbag.  He tells me he wants to play a game.  I suggest charades with movie titles.  Edward rubs his hands in excitement and quickly adjusts his scarf.  He begins the first clue.

 

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“Um”, I say.  “Umm…Wait!  Is it Saving Private Ryan?”

Edward says yes.  He is surprised I got it so quickly.  He thinks of another clue.

 

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“Wow, a toughie.”  I scratch my head. “Ooh!  Is it So I Married An Axe Murderer?”

Edward nods yes.  He is impressed with my skillz.

He stops a moment, thinking of a really hard one. 

 

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“Hmmm…I’m going to guess Three Weddings and a Funeral.”

Edward huffs in impatience.  He turns over and poses again.

 

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“Ooh ooh!  Um, is it Finding Nemo?”

“Dang!”  Edward says.  He grabs a prop for the next one.

 

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“Duh,” I say.  “Ghost.”  I roll my eyes.

Edward removes his prop.  He thinks hard.  He takes his scarf off and poses again.

 

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“Wow.  This one is hard.  Is it The Fifth Element?”

Edward shakes his head no.

“Hmm, then how about Interview with a Vampire?”

Edward says no again.

“Geez.  Ok how about Wolverine?”

Edward just chuckles.  I take that as a no.

“Dang.  I give up.  What’s the answer?”

Twilight,” says Edward.  He winds his scarf around his neck and struts back to my bag.

 

Pur-lease

Ok, so.  You all out there who read this know that I’m a big fan of Twilight. 

I have the books.

I have the movie.

I even have my tickets to New Moon tucked safely in my bag along with my Edward doll.

I didn’t think too much about the silly consumerism involving Tshirts with TEAM EDWARD or TEAM JACOB. 

I didn’t even scoff when a friend sent me the link to these:

twilight-dolls-500x375

Nay. I did not scoff.  Instead I planned a whole new Adventures with Edward post. 

However.

And I repeat with meaning – However.

I just came across a link to Nordstrom featuring their whole new New Moon line.  And this is just too much folks.  TOO MUCH.

I give you the Luna Twilight DuWop LipVenom Lip Gloss

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On behalf of the consumer world, I apologize to you,  Stephenie Meyer.  I’m sure that all those late nights of typing on your computer, creating the world of Twilight this is just what you envisioned- makeup products.  I’m sorry.  I bet you are shuddering right now.   I’ll bet you are just on the edge of your seat dreaming up the Twilight Garbage Can with matching Twilight Pillowcase/Bedsheet set.  I bet you are wondering when the Twilight Toilet Paper or Twilight Toothbrushor excuse me- Twilight Fangbrush will come out next.  When the *chokes back tears* Twilight Cereal will be on shelves for little girls and boys and teenagers and Twilight Moms to breakfast with.  Alas for you and your baby called Twilight.

But who knows?  Maybe Stephenie Meyer uses the Twilight Venom lip gloss with pride.  Or the Luna Twilight “Just Bitten” Staining Balm.  Or maybe even the Luna Twilight “First Light” Face Glow.  *eye roll*

…Also, I wonder if that lip gloss is flavored?  Hmm, if it’s cherry, I think I want some myself.

Adventures with Edward: Edward visits Boulder, Colorado

Setting: Boulder, Colorado

Edward hears I am going on a trip to a far off country, full of snow and mountains.  He begs to go.  He must try to get his mind off of Bella Doll.  Plus he has a scarf.  So he is ready.  I tell him to hop in my bag and get comfortable.  He wiggles in next to my knitting and mittens.

 

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We board the plane.  He climbs out of my bag and finds his seat.  He scoffs at the seat belt.  The Sky Mall magazine holds his interest for 13.9 seconds.  Then he is bored. 

 

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The flights are short.  Edward watches Ladyhawke on my iPhone.  He thinks the ’80’s music is cheesy, but otherwise enjoys it.  Edward also thinks that Matthew Broderick’s English accent is lacking. 

Once the plane is landed, Edward enjoys the sites.  He conquers some strange metallic beast. 

 

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It was hard to eat, but Edward decides this is exotic food.

Edward decides to stop and smell the flowers. 

 

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They smell of plastic Bella Doll’s perfume.  Or what he imagines Bella Doll’s perfume smells like.  He has only really smelled her packaging.

The mountains and pines beckon to Edward.  He climbs a tree.  It is reminiscent of this movie he saw once with a human Bella.  He remembers the scene well.

 

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 He wonders if he can ever persuade Bella Doll out of her box.  Alas.  For now, he just imagines her presence.

 

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Heartsick, Edward wanders to a snowy patch and whips up a snowman.  He must be careful.  His powerful vampire hands tend to crush, not mold.  He shares his scarf. 

 

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It has been a good trip.  Edward is glad he has visited Boulder. 

 

lunapic-boulder

Adventures with Edward: Edward writes Bella Doll a poem

Setting: Office of the human

 

Edward, climbs out of the human’s giant purse and says he’s been thinking.  I ask him what about.  “Bella Doll,” he says, with a faraway look.  “I’ve decided to woo her.  Tis time I declared my intentions.”

I set Edward up at my desk and let him brainstorm.  After a few minutes I check on his progress. 

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“Hmm,” I say.  “It’s ok, but I think you can do better, Edward.  Try again.  This time, think about what you like about Bella Doll.”

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“Ha.Ha.”  I say, rolling my eyes.”  Edward laughs uproariously.  Boys.

I place Edward off to the side of the computer to think about maybe writing a poem.  Edward contemplates.

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Poor Edward.  He can’t scratch his head.  Those elbows just won’t bend enough.

Edward types away at the computer.  He tsks.  Crosses things out.  Thinks more.  Types again.  This is what he comes up with:

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Edward looks to me for approval.  “Well?” he asks.

“Umm…Gee, Edward, I’m just so blinded by the love oozing from your words…give me a second to think…”

Edward taps his foot impatiently.  It’s the only thing on his body that moves with ease.  I pick out the drum line for “Whip It” in his foot taps.

“Edward, I think we should just try to find you some sunglasses.”

Edward sighs deeply and crawls back in my bag.  Poor Edward.