Archive for June, 2009

Keyboard Confessions

1.  I was eating this package of Skittles yesterday and I realized something.  I separate my Skittles by color and eat them that way.

2.  Does this make me a segregationalist?

3.  Is segregationalist a real word?  It sounds like a $7.50 word. 

4.  In the past, I would’ve said a $5.00 word, but I had to account for inflation.

5.  It is really bothersome to me when there is a lone Skittle that is different colored from the rest.

6.  For example, I just opened a bag and there were 4 red, 2 yellow, 3 purple and one green.

7.  That one solitary green just breaks my heart.

8.  Not really, folks.  I’m not that bizarre and weird.

9.  But he must go last. 

10.  I used my hair straightener today.  Not because I wanted to be all prettified.  But because I showered last night and slept on wet hair and woke up looking like this:

Edward Scissorhands

Edward Scissorhands

 

11.  There wasn’t much I could do about looking dead, though.  Especially now that I’ve given up the face powder.

12.  I’m still sweating like a man, you see.

13.  I keep thinking in my head “Pee pee nah nah blah” and then laughing. 

14.  You wouldn’t understand unless you watched this video.

15.  This week, during lunch with my coworkers, I tried to explain why the Twilight series was good even though the movie wasn’t as good to one particular lady who is a 20 year old.

16.  About halfway through my conversation with this lady who was listening with glazed eyes, it became very clear to me how much of a dork I have become.

17.  I got on the Wii Fit recently and it said “Hi Kearsie!  I noticed you haven’t been to visit in 47 days!”  (Translation:  you’re a loser.  And fat.)

18.  I gotta admit, for as bizarrely weird as Michael Jackson was in his life, I am saddened by his death.

19.  Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” was my very first cassette tape.  I was five.  I listened to it all the time.

20.  So, for nostalgia, here is the music video of Thriller.  It’s 13 minutes long, so pop some corn, grab a Dew or beverage of your choice and pull up a cozy chair.  And rest in peace, Michael, you tortured soul.

Let’s get literal

I have no funny today.  Or yesterday.  Or the day before.  Tis too hot to be funny.  Or laugh.  I must just loll about languishing and hankering for Diet Coke baths and Italian Ices. 

 

Instead of forcing you to endure inane thoughts, I shall let the fine makers at Dustfilms bring the funny for me.

 

Here is one of my favorites:

Famousosity, sort of…again

I submitted this post to HumorPress.com and they selected me as a semi-finalist!  I feel semi-proud.  When I read that post again, I semi-laughed.  This day is semi-over and I am drinking a beverage that is semi-full. 

 

Sigh.  The humor escapes me today as it is precisely 900 bagillion degrees outside and the cashier at Goodwill just schooled me.  Indirectly.  At least I think she did as none of the cashiers at Goodwill ever directly speak to me other than to tell me what I owe.  Yet they carry on conversations behind the counter that I think refer to me. 

Let me explain.

 

Lunch hour.  45 minutes to kill after downing cheeseburger containing 850 squillion calories.  I go to the Goodwill to hunt for wool sweaters I can torture and maim into felted wool crafts.  My venture proves fruitful and I take my goods to the counter. 

Cashier #1 rings up my goods and removes wire hangers that have poked me and pulled at my clothing during my tour of the sweater aisle.  She gives me the total.  I set my purse and to-go soda on the counter to count out change. 

Cashier #1: (speaking to Cashier #2)  I guess I need to fix that sign on the door.

Cashier #2:  What sign?

Cashier #1:  The one that says no food or drink inside the store.  (She gives me evil eye.)  I suppose people don’t see it or they are ignoring it.

Cashier #2:  Hmpf.

Me:  (smiling brightly) Have a good day! (I leave store and return to my car which is practically melted from the heat.)

Exit scene. 

 

Ok, so maybe there was a sign on the door saying NO FOOD OR DRINK INSIDE STORE.  Maybe I broke that sacred rule by carrying in my covered beverage inside the holy grounds of The Goodwill filled with People’s Used Clothing and Junk that Smells Suspiciously Like Urine in the Book Room. 

However.  I am a responsible adult.  I did not splash about my Diet Coke and spray the clothing with my straw.  I did not tip over my beverage creating a Possible Accident Waiting to Happen Puddle next to the Broken Down Shoes.  I did not make a mess. 

Geez. 

*** Editor’s note:  As I just typed “Geez”, I took a drink of my semi-filled soda and accidentally dripped onto my shirt.  Hmm, maybe Goodwill has a point.

Keyboard Confessions

1.  I gave up on the face powder.

2.  It was the copious amounts of man sweat pouring off my face.

3.  Except, I’m not a man.  I’m a woman, who sweats on my face like a man.

4.  Erm.

5.  Several things occurred to me this week- 1) I know way way way too much about Twilight, Twilight books, Twilight movies, and Twilight Trivia, 2) I acted just like a little kid when I won those Twilight dolls (see past post) and 3) I am a sad sad creature because of this.

6.  My girls’ babysitter is baking a cake today for my daughter Emma’s favorite stuffed animal.

7.  She told me “Tomorrow is Tigress’ birthday, so we’re baking a birthday cake for her.”

8.  She said it with a straight face.  I, however, laughed. 

9.  Then I felt bad for laughing.

10.  Then I got excited because there would be cake in my house.

11.  Then I kind of cussed in my head because there would be cake in my house.

12.  Sigh.  I love cake.

13.  I do not, however, love to go outside and walk in the heat.

14.  Or exercise, if I’m being honest.

15.  I decided to start making a bagillion face/body scrubbies for a craft fair in October.  So far I’ve made 15 scrubbies.

16.  I’ll need about 190 more to make up for the entrance fee for the craft fair.

17.  I may burn all yarn and needles this summer.

18.  I went through a whole evening with our church’s small group without saying the words CRACK, BOOGERS or PORN.

19.  Until we talked about splitting up the group and adding more people.  Then I said “Dang.  Now I’ll have to break all the new people in by saying CRACK and PORN.  It’s kind of tiresome.”

20.  Then I watched Lance facepalm.

I won! I won! I won! I won! I won! I won! I won! I won! I won!

Phew, that’s a lot of fast typing…

 

I won!  I did it!  I beat the odds!  I am the champion of the Twilight doll universe!!!!!!

 

I told you before how my buddy Jenny, from Giftedly Outspoken, had a contest for these:

giveaway

 

And I won!  They are mine.  ALL MINE.

Thank you Jenny!!!  By the way, you’re totally my new BFF. 

P.S.  I realize I am coming across a wee bit like a giggly teenager at a New Kids on the Block concert, but seriously, I never win hardly anything!

P.S.S.  Lance is so totally going to facepalm when he reads this.

Monday, the day of suckage

It is always oh, so fun to start the day off with your drive shaft coming undone on your morning commute.  Thank God I wasn’t hurdling down the road or on a major highway.  Thank God the guy who pulled up next to me was a mechanic and didn’t mind writhing around under the car getting filthy and greasy to jerry rig it up so I could get home.  Thank God we have an extra vehicle. 

Anyways.

To celebrate our anniversary, Lance and I went to see Angels and Demons and grab some fondue at The Melting Pot.  Angels and Demons was just okay.  I might like the book better.  The Melting Pot was oisome.  Except I wished I hadn’t eaten anything for about 9 hours before dining.  Seriously, I felt like fondue was coming out of my ears I was so full. 

My daughter Addie drew some anniversary pictures for us, to get us in the mood for celebrating.

Picture 006

 We did, indeed Go! Out Too Eat and Go! To the Movie and “Do Cisis” (kisses).

Then she drew pictures of us.  Here’s me:

Picture 007

 I tried to not take it personally that I am portly.  And holding ice cream.  And have ears the size of dinner plates.

Then she drew Lance:

Picture 008

 

I suppose from her perspective as a short kid, we are both kind of rotundly. 

To soften the blow of her Truth Drawing, she gave us this:

Picture 009

 

Here’s hoping your Monday is better than mine.

The Story of Us

No KC (Keyboard Confessions) today.  Do try to contain your sobbing. 

Tomorrow is the 11th anniversary of when I said “I Do” with The Hubs.  I’ve already written out our story ad nauseum before:

Ah Me, L’Amour

Ah Me, L’Amour Part Deux

Ah Me, L’Amour III

Ah Me, L’Amour The End

So today I thought I’d take you on an illustrated journey of our Luuuuuuurve.  Please, your sobbing is distracting me.

meengagement

 

So, one day, I meet this guy and two short months later, he asks me to be his wife.  I say yes.  This is an engagement photo.  Also, I HATE how my elbow is all poking out.  It’s all I can see in this photo.  Now, it’s all you can see too, isn’t it?  Yep, I’ve just ruined this picture for you.  Moving on.

lanceeng

 

Here’s Lance aka The Hubs.  Of course, then he was The Fiance’.  The Fi, for short.  Isn’t The Fi handsome?  Back off, ladies, he’s mine.

eng

 

We had The Lurve.  It was mushy.  It was gushy.  Also this picture makes my nose look really really long.  Did you know that the 1st compliment Lance ever gave to me was about how perfect my nose was?  Well, now you know.

engkiss

 

I adore this photo.  Also, it makes me feel like a rebel because we’re doing this on the President’s lawn of the college we attended.  Naugh-tay.

inv

 

These are the invitations we sent out for our wedding. 

engshower

 

Then began the showers and bridal luncheons.  I had to borrow a suit from my roomie.  Also, you see that thing I’m doing with my hands?  It’s a nervous habit to smooth my nails over and over and over. 

rehearsal

 

This is just one of the pictures from the rehearsal dinner.  We cooked cows.  A bagillion steaks. 

cowstory

 

This is at the actual rehearsal.  I was begged to tell The Cow Story.  So I did. 

wedding

 

The Big Day arrived.  Lance kissed the bride and we became man and wife. 

cake

 

Here’s one of the cake.  And my cleavage.  Dang. 

home

 

This was the first night in our home.  It stayed like this for awhile.  Also, whoever got us that toilet paper- Thank you!! 

pizza

 

This was our first meal in our new home.  Actually, this is pretty much every meal in our home while in college.  Lance didn’t marry a Great Cook. 

romance

This is just after our own wedding when I was a bridesmaid for my friend Delana’s wedding.  Lance’s BFF Joel is serenading us and we are dancing.  We had The Romance.  Lance had Giant Glasses.  All the better to ogle me with.

newlywed

 

We were drunk on Lurve.  And had bad timing with the flash. 

beach

 

Now Lance has a beard.  Now I have some wrinkles. 

But we still have The Lurve.