Archive for May, 2009

Keyboard Confessions, by Insanity Kim

While I’m basking in the steamy and exotic winds of Florida, my buddy Kim, from Insanity Kim agreed to my begging and pleading kind request to do today’s Keyboard Confessions, or “KC” for those in the know. Or the dorks who like to abbreviate stuff. Ahem. Anyways, thanks again Kim! And I’ll be back in the blogosphere on Monday with a giveaway so come back and visit!

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1. Kearsie asked me to do these confessions for her while she is gone, I feel honored, but kinda scared.

2. Not of her, just in general I guess.

3. I can’t tell if I perform better under pressure. What do you think? Discuss…

4. I have a thing about eyebrows.

5. I am happy Kearsie got hers waxed.

6. I told her what to do about the hair on her lip, but, I won’t tell you…

7. Heh heh.

8. Sometimes I check Kearsie’s blog twice a day, even though I know there isn’t anything new on it.

9. That day I mean, not like, in general…

10. But, I don’t go back and read past posts. That’s lame.

11. You all need to go back and read her past posts, or you’re lame too…

12. I think the keyboard emits, “The Guilt”.

13. *Wallowing in The Guilt*

14. I am curious about Kearsie’s skin tag, aren’t you?

15. Sorta tired of boogers…more intrigued about skin tags…

16. Hey I know! If this lame post gets 35 comments, she has to write about her skin tag! Think we can all do it?!

17. So, don’t make me comment on my own post like, 35 times. But, I will if I have to.

18. I at least know her sis will back me up on this one.

19. Feeling “The Guilt” again…

20. If she actually posts this, then that means she REALLY likes me.

Love ya Kearsie, dearly not queerly…

Leavin on a jet plane…

I am on my way to the humid land of Florida to meet with a bunch of ladies and attempt to quell my mouth from saying inane things like BOOGERS and instead fill their minds with good things, like the Bible.  It’s like Social Turret’s.  I might need medication.

Tomorrow, I shall have a guest blogger.  I shan’t say who it is.  I shall instead, let it be a surprise.  Just think of it as Christmas in May.

Merry Christmas.

Search Engine Terms

Tis time for another glimpse into the minds of the weirdos fine people who stumble upon this here blog.

 

permed afro hairstyle for white women

Now, what strikes me as funny is TWO different people googled that and hit my blog.  Because I have a permed afro hairstyle for a white woman.  Or because of this picture:

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can nads be used on nostril hair?

Erm…Huh?

 

why do birds keep pooping on my car?

For the same reason they poop on mine, because it looks like a public toilet to them.

 

do I have to floss everyday?

Well, not according to the dental hygenist lady who cleaned my teeth…

 

twilight my husband breath

Erm, well, hmm…

 

ugliest girl

Dang, that’s just cold. 

 

she sound like man

Only in the mornings, I assure you.

 

I’m afraid of scary movies, what do I do?

Well, inquisitive friend, I think you might consider NOT watching them.  Aren’t I so smart?

 

hoot mullet fingers’ head

Put the crack pipe down, my friend.  We can get you some help.

 

bad girls in handcuffs

No no, see, it was my husband in the handcuffs

 

kearsie likes porn

Dang. 

(Editor’s note:  I TOTALLY don’t like porn.  This is a joke.  A bad one.  By my sister.)

 

I say me name

I say me name too.  K-EAR-see

 

tla 4ever

OMG, I totally LYLAS for saying that.  Dearly, not queerly.

Motivator

I was watching Resident Evil on Oxygen this weekend, and I kept hearing the word “Motivator” every few seconds.  It took me a few minutes to realize that the Movie Cuss Word Replacer Person had replaced the word “Motivator” with the Grandmother Of All Cuss Words.  You know which one.  The two-word cuss word.  The one that talks about your momma.  In a not nice way.  That one. 

 

And I was laughing my head off. 

“Motivator, please.”

“That motivator is shooting at us!”

“Get down, motivator!”

 

And on and on it went.  I suppose motivator is better than just silence.  Can you imagine watching the movie with a bunch of blank spots?  It would be like Mad Libs for Movies.

“_______________, please.”

“That __________________ is shooting at us!”

“Get down, _______________!”

 

I don’t think our brains could keep up. 

 

It also occurred to me that the word motivator isn’t a bad word, really.  I mean, if I’m in traffic, and someone cuts me off, would me shouting “Hey, motivator!!” really be that bad?  In fact, I might encourage said cutter offer from cutting off others.  It would be like Road Rage Encouragement.  If I can just keep my fingers from illustrating the point, and paste a smile on my face, I just might make a difference on these here roads.

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Update!  I found a clip on youtube that shows the crazy censoring of Resident Evil!

Keyboard Confessions, the short version

1.  It’s been a good hair week.  In fact, It’s been a good hair weeks.  This is a first.  Also, that is really bad grammar.

2.  I’m thinking the hair is in awe of the sexay eyebrows and are in deep smit, thus it is tameable.

3.  The acne is clearing up too.  It only took drinking 90 gazillion gallons of water. 

4.  But I peed quite a bit.  Getting rid of pimples has been a time consuming process.

5.  Alas, one day I shall write something that has nothing to do with pimples, boogers or … oh, who’m I kidding?

6.  In one week, I shall be breathing the steamy fumes of Florida hangin with my homies.  Well, technically, I’m only homies with a few of them. 

7.  The rest of the folks I don’t know so there will be that painful “getting to know each other” stuff, where I try not to say the words CRACK, PORN or BOOGERS too often.  I tend to say bizarre things like that around strangers.  True story.  It’s a miracle I have friends and I’m married. 

8.  While I have been maintaining my hair and eyebrows and using face powder, I have completely forgotten about my toenails and heels.  I shall soon have to hone and buff and polish, else I shall resemble Jim Carey in Dumb and Dumber. 

9.  I’m pretty sure that Spongebob is Kid’s Crack.  My kids are addicted.  Also, I challenge you to turn on Spongebob and then leave the room and listen to the dialogue and not want to poke out your eardrums.  Go ahead, try it.

10.  Dang, I have to go.  I drank quite a bit of water this morning.  You know what that means.

 

Happy Friday.

On losing weight

Folks, I think I might have solved the problem of weighing yourself.  You’ll never dread the scale again.  Just do it like this:

 

weight

 

This last week, I’ve been living a new alien life.  I’ve been dieting and exercising and by golly, I’ve lost 7 lbs. 

What kick started this new bizarre way of living was a little trip to the doctor for a sinus infection.  Unfortunately, when I had my blood pressure taken, the numbers were uber high.  Like, folks were staring at me to see if I’d fall over dead at the check out counter.  So, it turns out, a scary doctor who is looking at me with disapproval is the motivation I’ve been lacking all these years.  Who knew?

On waxing

To wax my upper lip or not, that is the question…

 

So last week, I did it.  I got my eyebrows waxed.  I no longer look like I have brown fuzzy caterpillars waging war against each other on my forehead.  Now, they are sexay caterpillars, finely tuned and toned caterpillars, with their backs arched coyly. 

It went something like this:

EYEBROW THINNING GIRL:  Ok, I’m going to put this wax on so hold real still.

ME:  HOLY GOD IN HEAVEN THAT IS REALLY HOT.

EYEBROW GIRL:  Well, it actually hurts less when it’s this hot.

ME:  Then let ‘er burn.

EYEBROW GIRL:  Ok, now I’m going to put this strip of cotton on.  *pat pat YANK*

ME:  OUCH! 

EYEBROW GIRL:  Yeah, I don’t tell you when I’m going to yank  heh heh.  But that wasn’t so bad was it?

ME:  Hmm.  Well, it was easier than childbirth, so yeah, I guess it wasn’t so bad.

EYEBROW GIRL:  Ok, ready for the next one?

ME:  Oh I am so ready. 

(Editor’s note:  I didn’t really say this, because that would be uber dorky.  I probably just nodded.)

EYEBROW GIRL:  Ok, next eyebrow.  *slaps on wax, pats on cotton, yanks*

ME:  *barely flinch and quite proud that I barely flinch*

EYEBROW GIRL:  Hmm, let me use some tweezers and thin these out.  *pluck pluck pluck*

ME:  *fighting the urge to slug her as this HURTS WAY WORSE THAN THE WAXING*

EYEBROW GIRL:  Ok, here you go, nice shapely eyebrows!

ME:  *still fighting urge to slug her as it still smarts*

EYEBROW GIRL:  Oh, by the way, you’ll still have to pluck.  Just so you know.

ME:  Dang.

 

I gotta say though, I am in deep smit with my eyebrows now.  I can’t help preening in front of the mirror with my perfectly arched brows, and fluttering my eyelashes a bit.  I did this in front of Lance and said, “Notice anything different?” *flutter flutter* and he was like “Umm, nope.”  Yeah, well, maybe folks aren’t looking at my eyebrows like I feared they were. 

Now to tackle that mustache like thing hanging above my upper lip….