Posts Tagged ‘Twilight’

Adventures with Edward: Edward goes to the movies

Setting:  Outside the movie theater

Edward is chillin and relaxin on the fountain outside of the movie theater.  He’s all set to see New Moon.  If nothing other than to make fun of Jacob.  And drool for Bella.  She looks just like this doll he knows.

He’s got on his TEAM EDWARD shirt, to show his support.  The puff paint looks very manly.

Suddenly, he looks over and sees…himself.

 

“Hi!” the copy of himself says.  It’s eerie.  Except for the scarf and Tshirt, this guy looks JUST LIKE HIM.

“Hi!” says Edward.  They stare at each other for a moment.  It’s like a Twilight Zone moment.  They have the same Pea Coat, the same tight fitting jeans. They even have the same spiky hair.

“We must be brothers.  Separated at birth.  I’m Edward,” says the Edward copy.

“Dude.  My name is Edward too.  I’m going to see New Moon.  Wanna see it with me?”

“Sure, dude.”

They stare at each other for another moment, then go for a man, er- doll hug.  It’s awkward and plasticky and their arms don’t bend, but whatever.  Bros for life.

Inside in the theater, they share a seat and watch the movie.  Jacob definitely has the abs.  But Edward has the Bella. 

Too bad the concession stand doesn’t sell any mountain lion or gazelles.

Pur-lease

Ok, so.  You all out there who read this know that I’m a big fan of Twilight. 

I have the books.

I have the movie.

I even have my tickets to New Moon tucked safely in my bag along with my Edward doll.

I didn’t think too much about the silly consumerism involving Tshirts with TEAM EDWARD or TEAM JACOB. 

I didn’t even scoff when a friend sent me the link to these:

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Nay. I did not scoff.  Instead I planned a whole new Adventures with Edward post. 

However.

And I repeat with meaning – However.

I just came across a link to Nordstrom featuring their whole new New Moon line.  And this is just too much folks.  TOO MUCH.

I give you the Luna Twilight DuWop LipVenom Lip Gloss

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On behalf of the consumer world, I apologize to you,  Stephenie Meyer.  I’m sure that all those late nights of typing on your computer, creating the world of Twilight this is just what you envisioned- makeup products.  I’m sorry.  I bet you are shuddering right now.   I’ll bet you are just on the edge of your seat dreaming up the Twilight Garbage Can with matching Twilight Pillowcase/Bedsheet set.  I bet you are wondering when the Twilight Toilet Paper or Twilight Toothbrushor excuse me- Twilight Fangbrush will come out next.  When the *chokes back tears* Twilight Cereal will be on shelves for little girls and boys and teenagers and Twilight Moms to breakfast with.  Alas for you and your baby called Twilight.

But who knows?  Maybe Stephenie Meyer uses the Twilight Venom lip gloss with pride.  Or the Luna Twilight “Just Bitten” Staining Balm.  Or maybe even the Luna Twilight “First Light” Face Glow.  *eye roll*

…Also, I wonder if that lip gloss is flavored?  Hmm, if it’s cherry, I think I want some myself.

Adventures with Edward: Edward goes to work with his human

Setting: office desk of the human who carries Edward around in her purse

Edward, bored of the home of his human (aka me), decides to find adventure by tagging along at work.

His first job, to hand me paperclips.

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Then, Edward hands me my highlighter.  He is feeling very good about himself.

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Then like the easily distracted vampire doll that he is, Edward goes a little crazy.  He spins himself in my office supply carousel thingy.

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Quicker than I can say “Vampire Gone Wild”, Edward wraps himself in tape.

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I untangle Edward from the sticky tape. Edward promises to be good. 

I send Edward to the copy room to make some copies for me.  However, this proves to be a mistake.

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I find Edward making mischief.  Edward tells me this is the closest he could come of photocopying his hiney.  Whatever, I say. He laughs at his handiwork.

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I carry Edward Doll back to my desk and tell him he needs to have S.Q.U.I.R.T.  Edward looks at me questioningly.  It’s ‘Silent Quiet Uninterrupted Individual Reading Time’, I explain.  I load up Midnight Sun on my iPhone and set Edward down to read.

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This lasts five minutes.  Then he finds my SIGN HERE tabs.

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Adventures with Edward: Edward visits the Happiest Place on Earth

Setting:  hot summer day in Orlando, Florida

 

Edward, still mending from his recent rejection of Bella, who chose the other Edward with the sunglasses, decides to blow this popsicle stand and see the world. 

His first stop: Epcot

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Edward, standing next to the golf ball thingy realizes while he may be a powerful plastic vampire, he is still very tiny.

Edward roams the park, looking for adventure.  Unfortunately, the few rides there are have height restrictions.  He can’t eat anything, so sampling the international cuisine is out.  His pea coat has no pockets to hold money.  Epcot, for plastic vampire dolls, is kind of boring.

For fun, Edward stands by a sparkly Nemo character, just to see if anyone notices him.  Edward is jealous of the sparkles.

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This becomes dull, so Edward visits a playground.  Once again, his height is an issue.  Powerful vampire dolls cannot do much on a playground.

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Edward spots a rock wall and decides to push it over.  No reason, there’s just not much else to do.

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Roll wall conquered, Edward decides to see the beach.  This is a mistake, as beaches are no place for tiny dolls.

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Thankfully, the rushing waves do not drown his plastic lungs, as he cannot breathe anyway.

Edward sighs, and finds a spot to sit stand and ponder. 

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Edward, seeing the irony, paces and finally throws up his hands in a gesture of impatience.

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Suddenly, a Giant Mouse grabs him and hugs him.  Edward does not want to fight this behemoth monster so he just holds very still and pretends to be a plastic doll.

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The Mouse Monster gently sets Edward down on the sidewalk and ambles away, waving his Hamburger Helper gloves. 

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Edward catches his breath and realizes he came very close to an early demise. 

Adventure quota filled for the day, Edward bids Epcot adieu.

Adventures with Edward: Edward meets Bella

Setting:  Carpeted wilderness with just a smidge of civilization

 

Edward, standing alone attempts to run his fingers through his unruly hair.

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He can’t…quite…reach…beennnnddd elllboowwwww….

When suddenly-

He sees a strange sight-

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It is…himself.  Edward stands, head cocked to the side, looking at this carbon copy. 

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“Hmpf,” he says.  He turns away from the imposter and that’s when he sees her.  Bella.

“Bella”, he says, experimentally using her name.  “Bellaaaa.” It is like the blood of a gazelle on his tongue.

He comes closer to have a better look.  He realizes, this is it, this is the adventure he’s been hunting for. 

He beckons to her to come out.

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Bella, staring straight ahead says something about “integrity of the packaging” and doesn’t move. 

“Besides,” she says.  “This Edward has something you’ll never have.”

“What’s that?” Edward asks. 

“Sunglasses.” 

Edward takes a closer look at the other Edward. 

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“Dang.” 

Edward, one last time looking at the pair of them realizes that they are almost holding hands. 

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Clearly, Edward cannot compete with the other Edward for the plastic heart of Bella. 

Resolutely, Edward turns away and continues attempting to run his hands through his hair. 

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Almost…there…

Adventures with Edward: Edward tries to hitch

Setting: steamy summer night in desolate area.

 

Edward, standing by the side of the road, decides to hitch a ride.  He wants to sparkle, to attact someone, but realizes he will have to settle for plastic shiny.

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He’s a little frustrated that his thumb won’t stick up.  He thinks he looks like he’s trying to hail a cab instead.  However, maybe his rugged good looks and his sticky up hair will entice a car to stop. 

Lo and behold, a car pulls up.

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It’s a…butterfly lady with two little kids in the back seat.  She stops, asks if he needs a ride and he approaches the car.

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She looks safe.  However, she doesn’t have a ring on her left hand, so he’s wondering if she’s looking for a baby daddy for her two kids. 

But he’s looking for some adventure so he hops in.  There’s just one problem-

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Edward can’t sit.  He doesn’t bend.  Just his elbows bend, making him look double jointed.  He tries different methods.  Standing up in the seat isn’t very safe, even for a vampire.

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Edward tries laying down.  But he doesn’t feel very manly doing this.  Also, he’s having trouble with the seat belt and then remembers he’s a vampire and doesn’t need to fool with trivial human things like seat belts.

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He decided to heck with safety.  He stands up in the back, ready for adventure.  Besides, as he doesn’t bend that’s his only option.  Just as Butterfly Lady is about to take off, some of her friends approach the car.

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Edward realizes that this scene is a little out of his league.  So, ever the gentleman, he gives up his seat to the platinum blonde who looks the least deranged.

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Edward stands by the side of the road, watching the car with all the ladies driving away.  He hopes the lady with the wedding dress doesn’t fall of the back of the car and continues his search for adventure.

Adventures with Edward

What?  What’s that, Edward?  You want out of your box?

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Ok, there.  Feel better?   

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Well, what would you like to do first, Edward?  Perhaps we shall watch a movie?  Hmm… what about this?

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Oh don’t be so modest, Edward.  Have a seat.  Feeling a bit peckish? Here’s you a snack.

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Oh dear.  I wasn’t thinking.  Let me see what else I have… Hmm, it seems this is all I’ve got in the way of animal products, Edward.  Hope this works.

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…it seems I must be better prepared when entertaining a vampire.