Posts Tagged ‘selective hearing’

What my children hear when I talk

I said:

Pick up your clothes and put them in the hamper.

They heard:

Pick up your clothes but leave your underwear on the floor as well as one sock. Take the rest of your clothes, wad them up and leave them on the floor in front of the hamper and leave your sock all squished up.

******

I said:

Hurry up and brush your teeth.

They heard:

Go as slow as humanly possible, stopping to touch and maybe break some things on the way to the bathroom.  Once in front of the sink, stare at yourself in the mirror making funny faces and/or sit down and fold your arms and pout.  When using the toothpaste, be sure to wipe some on the counter and do not rinse your spit out of the sink at all.  Also, throw the towel on the floor.

******

I said:

You may have one snack but make sure you throw your trash away.

They heard:

Eat three snacks, make sure you scatter as many crumbs as possible and leave out all your trash so it looks like a landfill.  Then touch all over the TV and computer screens so they are disgusting.

******

I said:

Make sure you throw away all the little scraps of paper when you are done making crafts.

They heard:

Pick up about 10% of the trash so you can say you cleaned up. Leave out the glue stick without a lid so I can step on it in the middle of the night which will be cold and slimy and make all the little pieces of paper stick to my pasty foot.

******

I said:

Read a book if you’re bored.

They heard:

I want to torture and punish you by making you read which is like doing school at home.  I don’t care if you have any fun whatsoever.  I am out to get you.

******

 I said:

Turn off the TV, you’ve watched enough.

They heard:

I am the meanest mother in the entire world.  I am awful and am depriving you of all joy.  I am not as cool as your friends’ mothers who let them watch TV all they want.  Also, I want you to pitch a huge fit because I’ve not had enough stress in my day.

******

I said:

You’ve already been to the bathroom and had a drink of water, so stay in your beds. Good night.

They heard:

I want you to get up at least 4 more times, thereby causing me to lose my mind and make sure when you get your 3rd drink of water you spill it all over the bathroom floor.  Stay up way too late giggling about poop so you will be extra tired in the morning.  Also, pee in your bed around 3:00 a.m. because I like to do laundry at that hour.

******

Husband said:

Don’t worry, they are in bed now.  The day is over and you can rest.

I heard:

You will live the same day over and over again.  You are stuck in your own version of Groundhog Day.  You need to find some happy pills, STAT.