What my children hear when I talk

I said:

Pick up your clothes and put them in the hamper.

They heard:

Pick up your clothes but leave your underwear on the floor as well as one sock. Take the rest of your clothes, wad them up and leave them on the floor in front of the hamper and leave your sock all squished up.

******

I said:

Hurry up and brush your teeth.

They heard:

Go as slow as humanly possible, stopping to touch and maybe break some things on the way to the bathroom.  Once in front of the sink, stare at yourself in the mirror making funny faces and/or sit down and fold your arms and pout.  When using the toothpaste, be sure to wipe some on the counter and do not rinse your spit out of the sink at all.  Also, throw the towel on the floor.

******

I said:

You may have one snack but make sure you throw your trash away.

They heard:

Eat three snacks, make sure you scatter as many crumbs as possible and leave out all your trash so it looks like a landfill.  Then touch all over the TV and computer screens so they are disgusting.

******

I said:

Make sure you throw away all the little scraps of paper when you are done making crafts.

They heard:

Pick up about 10% of the trash so you can say you cleaned up. Leave out the glue stick without a lid so I can step on it in the middle of the night which will be cold and slimy and make all the little pieces of paper stick to my pasty foot.

******

I said:

Read a book if you’re bored.

They heard:

I want to torture and punish you by making you read which is like doing school at home.  I don’t care if you have any fun whatsoever.  I am out to get you.

******

 I said:

Turn off the TV, you’ve watched enough.

They heard:

I am the meanest mother in the entire world.  I am awful and am depriving you of all joy.  I am not as cool as your friends’ mothers who let them watch TV all they want.  Also, I want you to pitch a huge fit because I’ve not had enough stress in my day.

******

I said:

You’ve already been to the bathroom and had a drink of water, so stay in your beds. Good night.

They heard:

I want you to get up at least 4 more times, thereby causing me to lose my mind and make sure when you get your 3rd drink of water you spill it all over the bathroom floor.  Stay up way too late giggling about poop so you will be extra tired in the morning.  Also, pee in your bed around 3:00 a.m. because I like to do laundry at that hour.

******

Husband said:

Don’t worry, they are in bed now.  The day is over and you can rest.

I heard:

You will live the same day over and over again.  You are stuck in your own version of Groundhog Day.  You need to find some happy pills, STAT.

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23 responses to this post.

  1. Hey, I believe I just found the person who is living in my parallel universe! You!!
    By the way, I like “Never gonna give you up,” and my right sinus is full of goobers. If you like donuts, you are my long lost sister!

    Reply

    • Posted by soundsliketomatoes on May 4, 2009 at 1:23 pm

      Oh my goodness, how did you know I was sitting here thinking “Man I want a donut.” Are you short and have acne problems, too? If so, we just might, in fact, be related.

      Reply

  2. Hi! I found your blog through Laura Fuller. This entry is perfect!! I could have written it myself!! 🙂 Funny how things we say get interpreted!

    Reply

    • Posted by soundsliketomatoes on May 4, 2009 at 2:09 pm

      Hi Jennifer! Thanks for stopping by! Are you saying your kids have selective hearing too? Thank God.

      Reply

  3. I love this post, it made me feel SO much better to know I am not the only one! Especially the tooth-brushing segment!!! This post in fact allowed me to cancel my appointment and room at the “local” API (you know what that mean, right *wink wink*)

    Reply

    • Posted by soundsliketomatoes on May 4, 2009 at 2:37 pm

      I’m so glad I kept you from going crazy. We mothers must band together to stave off the madness.

      Reply

  4. Posted by Amy on May 4, 2009 at 7:51 pm

    Hilarious!!
    Two of my boys have that same bedtime routine!

    Reply

  5. Posted by Melissa on May 4, 2009 at 9:36 pm

    gee, and I thought I was the only one who was special….

    Reply

  6. And the hilarity is back! Yay! I loved your Friday post too.

    Reply

  7. No, no! When your husband said what he said, what he was REALLY meant was: “Now that you are done “playing” with the kids, come here you hot mama and lets have our own Playtime!”

    Since you had so much energy left (NOT) at the end of your day, you took after the kids and totally missed his message.
    LOL

    Reply

  8. That is too funny!! I love it!!

    Reply

  9. This was so true and funny, good to know I’m not the only one who feels like they are talking to a brick wall!! Why CAN’T kids hear what you really say? Especially when you are saying it for the 100th time!!!! “The Retired One”s comment was so funny-that sounds like the perfect end to my perfect day (NOT)!!!!! Thanks for the laughs that this post provided!
    Brenda.

    Reply

  10. Posted by thelonelyeskimo on May 5, 2009 at 2:12 am

    The only downside to your brilliance is how much I pale in comparison. Of course, I say that with love. And a teensy bit of envy.

    Reply

  11. I just love your writing style! Lordy girl you need to just have a blog that focuses on kids….

    Reply

  12. Posted by Heather on May 5, 2009 at 1:06 pm

    Hi. I found your blog after clicking from one blog to the next to the next to the next!
    I have to say, as a mom of 3 two of whom are 6 and 4 your laundry and brush your teeth descriptions are dead on! 😀
    I’m going to continue to read your blog, so I feel ‘normal’ as none of my friends have children…..
    Thanks so much!

    Reply

  13. Posted by soundsliketomatoes on May 5, 2009 at 1:44 pm

    Thank you ladies! I so appreciate you coming to visit my little blog!

    Reply

  14. I must be like your kids, what I remember most from what I just read is poop.

    Reply

    • Posted by soundsliketomatoes on May 6, 2009 at 2:04 pm

      Just wait. When you have kids, you will understand this. It’s all about poop.

      Reply

  15. Posted by Candy Morris on May 7, 2009 at 3:44 am

    you nailed tooo funny… loved it. love you too!!!

    Reply

  16. Posted by Jude from London on June 1, 2009 at 6:51 pm

    Had the day from hell with my three children, 5, 4 and 2. Started to look up selective hearing on the web to see if they are all suffering from some horrible ear disease or if they just have no interest in what I say, and I found this. I feel soooo much better!!!

    Reply

  17. Posted by soundsliketomatoes on June 1, 2009 at 7:15 pm

    Jude from London, you are not alone, my friend.

    Reply

  18. This is awesome!! I can SO relate, sista!!

    Reply

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