1. I wore a shirt that smelled like mildew.
2. I’m pretty sure I wore a grimace all day because of The Stench.
3. I ate a Hostess Cherry Pie for dinner.
4. Then I read the nutritional information on the box.
5. I think I lost about 3.7 years of my life as a result of eating it.
6. I am pretty sure that because I keep forgetting to use my Ped Egg, everyone is pointing at my crusty heels behind my back and gagging.
7. I bought a powder compact for the first time.
8. I kept holding up different colored corners to my face and asking Lance, “Which one? Ivory? Natural Beige? Cocoa?”
9. What would I have done if he wasn’t shopping with me? Would I have had to ask some nice person in the aisle, “Erm, Ma’am? Natural Ivory or Medium Brown? Does this make me look like I have a tan?”
10. Would she have thought I was a crazy person?
11. I have been trying like mad to lose 10 pounds.
12. So far, all I’ve managed is to gain 10 pounds.
13. I think my Wii Fit laughed at me last night.
14. Stupid Wii Fit.
15. My left sinus is full of snot. The right one is clear as a bell.
16. I actually like that Rick Astley song “Never Gonna Give You Up.”
17. I found an old high school friend on facebook and sent her a message. She replied something along the lines of “Erm, could you refresh my memory of who you are? I can’t tell by your face in your profile picture.”
18. That’s code for “You’ve become a fatty.”
19. Every time I write the words “about it” or “but it” or something, I write the word “tit”. Dude I can’t help it.
20. I’m pretty sure I know where J. K. Rowling got her inspiration for how Harry Potter looked.