Open letter to the birds using my car as a toilet

Dear Birds of the Parking Lot,

Please stop pooping on my car.  It’s gross.  And rude.  I don’t poop on your tree branches.  And I’ll bet my poop has way less germs and bacteria and cooties than your poop.  Stop it.

Also, please stop flying into our building and messing up our basement as I’m the only woman brave enough to capture you and release you back to the wild also known as the concrete parking lot.  My bravery attempts have reached their maximum.  Stay out.


The lady in the green car,



11 responses to this post.

  1. Dear Lady in the Green Car – you are brave.


  2. bird poop. gross. I just snorted coffee out of my nose, when I read this. Also gross.


  3. Just promise me if any bats come, that you will RUN!!!


  4. it must be a green car thing….we have 5 cars in the driveway – 1 green, 2 tan, 2 white – and the green one is always covered. soooooooo irritating.


  5. Ewww….I have no garage and park under a tree in my driveway. I’m very emotionally attached to my car and this kills me.

    On a possibly related note, I’m afraid to find out how the Worst Gift Ever can be connected to bird poop.


  6. Posted by Robin on April 16, 2009 at 4:40 pm

    what a hypocrite…*shakes head with eyes closed* YOU pooped in the ocean….in the home of the fishies! do you think they liked swimming around in your waste! you have got some nerve giving the birdies a hard time for pooping in your space. i cry foul!


  7. That is hilarious! Since I work in an office building we have reserved parking spots by suite numbers. I think my boss must have surely pissed off the person assigning parking spots because we get the spots right underneath the telephone wires so what to birds to? SIt on them and poop on our cars.

    Well there is only one spot reserved for our office that ISN’T under those wires and you’ll see everyone try to get to work at least 15 minutes early to get the non poopie spot. And if we don’t get it in the morning we try to leave for lunch first so that by the time the person parked in the spot leaves we are just getting back and we get the non poopie spot.

    I don’t like poopie on my car!


  8. “I don’t poop on your tree branches” = hahahahaha! Why don’t you?


  9. At least they poop right out in the open where you can see it. One time a very stealth bird pooped on my door handle — the BACK SIDE of the door handle. So I went to get in, and said “Oh crap” and meant it.


  10. Posted by Mom on April 19, 2009 at 5:40 pm

    duh! Green Car! Birds high up just see green, think it’s either a tree or grass & let loose! Bombs away. Try SEAGUL poop. It is way nastier, stinkier and kind of runny, so it instantly disolves right into your suntan oil and causes a major mess all over your chest so ya have to go into the ocean and rinse it off and THEN you end up with sand in your suit & salt water in your hair and NO suntan just sand burn from where you were scrubbed the gull poop off. Never take a green or blue towel to the beach either, or you will be a poop target for sure.


  11. Posted by VocabularyV on July 29, 2009 at 1:57 am

    It must be a green car thing… My car is under the only tree in a 10-mile radius that ALL of the birds in that 10-mile radius like to congregate in for their daily pooping spree. On my car.

    Mind you, there are PLENTY of other trees in the area. They just like the tree and the branches above MY (green) CAR!

    It’s so bad that when I turn the AC on in the car now, it smells like bird poop. I wasn’t aware that bird poop had a smell.


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