My Awful Discovery

Ya’ll, I found something.  It’s not pretty.  It’s extremely traumatic.  It’s worse than an ingrown toenail.  Worse than finding a pimple in a bizarre place.  Worse than a bad hair day or life.

I.have.sideburns.

I was putting on makeup the other day, when I happened to do that tilt-face-side-to-side thing.  (I have no idea why I was doing this, I’ve seen other girls do it and figure it’s part of the makeup process.)  And there it was, er- they were…erm, just how do you refer to multiple hairs growing in a group-like formation on your cheek?

Chops.  Sideburns.  Facial hair.

What to do?  I have enough trouble figuring out what to do with peekaboo nostril hair (peekaboo, you know, it sort of sticks out sneakily, saying “Haha!  I’m here!  Do something with me or you’re gross!”) and normal girly stuff.  But facial hair?

I had this eerie image of me and Lance, side by side at the bathroom sink, sharing shaving cream and exchanging witty banter while shaving our faces.  Ick.  *shudder* Blech. 

Please, please, someone out there tell me that disgusting facial hair is a sign of beauty in Uganda or somewhere exotic.

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14 responses to this post.

  1. The only way I see it, is you’re turning into an old, Italian woman. I don’t know what to tell you to do about it, as I am genetically on my way as it is. It seems you have jumped the genetic barrier and mutated. I am so sorry. Your only course of action to control it is to buy every depilatory instrument you can and get to work, with the bathroom door locked, telling the family you are re-grouting the shower…

    Reply

  2. I know all too well what you are talking about. All too well. I love it when I find a hair, A HAIR, on my chest, like where a necklace would hit. I am a woman, right?! I totally thought so. Ugh. Your story helps me cope. We’ll get through this together, right? I’ll shave you if you shave me?!

    Reply

  3. Oh yes, girlfriend…..I HEAR you! The only thing worse is finding GREY facial hair. Awwwwww..the wonders of the human, aging body. Don’t ya love it?

    Reply

  4. Bleach ’em. Pluck ’em. Use some kind of cream on ’em that makes them fall dead away as you smooth a washcloth over it. That’s what I’d do. But I’m a frilly-froo-foo girly girl too.

    Reply

  5. Posted by Amy on January 14, 2009 at 9:44 pm

    Happy 900th!

    Reply

  6. Posted by sean on January 15, 2009 at 7:20 am

    I know that your favorite thing about me is that I wasn’t put off by your PMS post…but sideburns??? C’mon! Sideburns??? I don’t think I can hang around…

    …just kidding. XD

    Reply

  7. Posted by Aunt Vam on January 15, 2009 at 11:03 am

    I’ll divulge my facial hair story for you so you’ll feel better, (although I have a medical excuse for my facial hair), ((and you don’t)),… I had to take steroids for a while to get my disease under control. They don’t tell you that facial hair growth is a possible symptom, but there they were, actual black mustache-like hairs on my upper lip and straggly beard hairs on my chin!!! EWWW! I immediately bought that cream that dissolves hair, (Nair?) and used it for a few months, until the steroidal effects were no longer causing the hair growth. They’ve never grown back, so I know it was the steroids. I still look closely at the area though, I’m so anxious that they’ll return someday, and I’ll be that old lady with a beard!!

    Reply

  8. Posted by Kim V on January 15, 2009 at 1:42 pm

    I agree with the above commenter — bleach works wonders.

    Reply

  9. I just plucked two large black hairs from my chin, and popped a zit…just thought you should know…

    Reply

  10. Posted by Aunt Melissa on January 16, 2009 at 4:21 am

    I think you have struck a chord here…

    Reply

  11. Posted by robin on January 16, 2009 at 4:48 pm

    hours of endless, miniscual plucking…….daily. that’s what i have to do. i practicallly have a 5 o clock shadow dearie…..jake and i have matching gotees if i even skip a day. and trips to the dentist???? you need to go get a professional waxing job before all of those. and that whole romantic “take my face in your hands before you kiss me” thing??? over…….i have given jake cuts and abrasions on his fingers. welcome to the facial hair club…..it seriously sucks. and if i catch you scrutinizing my face up close the next time we see each other, so you can get a closer look at my hairs….we will not be friends anymore. in fact, you had better pretend that this conversation never happenned.

    Reply

  12. Posted by Jaime on January 17, 2009 at 8:18 pm

    Put little kid bows on your sideburn hair. It’ll be cute! ???

    Reply

  13. Posted by itsjustmythang on January 25, 2009 at 4:11 am

    Are the ylong? You could braid them. Not that plucking the unibrow is enough but I now am the proud owner of chin hairs. WE should start a club. WWFH (White Women with Facial Hair). When the word gets around, people will look to us for advice on their over zealous hair follicles and say WWWWFH (What would white women with facial hair) do with bushy bbb (burns, beards and brows)? Pluck, bleach, wax and chemically dissolve! Have you ever tried NADS? I hear its edible.

    Reply

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