Too bad he couldn’t take the handcuffs home

Wow, have we had the craziest weekend.  It’s not everyday you see your husband handcuffed and put into the backseat of a police car.

So, this last weekend, we went to see some old friends in Tennessee.  They were remnants from our “flock” a year ago, and it was really awesome to visit with them.  Saturday was pretty much a talk fest from sun up to sun down. 

On the way home, the girls busied themselves with playing on the laptop and picking on each other.  Lance and I talked and talked about all kinds of stuff, stuff that delved in the romance department and shan’t be shared here. 

We were cruising along, doing the speed limit when we happened to pass a policeman who had pulled over someone else.  We drove on, continuing our romantic verbose.  A few minutes later, blue flashing lights pulled behind us and we pulled over.

Lance immediately turned on the interior lights and I told the girls to hush.  The policeman asked for Lance’s ID and proof of insurance and asked why we were in such a hurry.  He says we were doing 80, I know for a fact we were only doing 65, but we didn’t argue. 

It was taking forever for him to print the ticket.  The policeman came back to the car and asked for Lance’s social security number.  We thought that was kind of weird, but maybe his license didn’t have it printed on there.  Eons passed and finally the policeman came back and asked Lance to step out of the car.

Now, let me just stop and stay that we had no idea what was going on.  We weren’t transporting drugs sewn up into my kids’ stuffed animals, there were no dead bodies in the trunk of the car, we weren’t fleeing from the scene of an accident.  What in the world was going on? 

Lance stepped out and I figured maybe he had to sign paperwork back there.  I watched in my side view mirror when all of a sudden, I see Lance being patted down and then handcuffed. 

What was I thinking?  I was thinking “Oh (insert expletive here)!”

The girls automatically began to panic and ask a bazillion questions.  Yes, they watched it all happen.  I told them to hush because the policeman was coming to talk to me.

Policeman:  Ma’am, do you have a valid driver’s license?

Me:  Yes, do you need to see it?

Policeman:  No.  Are you aware that your husband has an arrest warrant issued for him?

Me:  WHAT!?  (Said in not very nice voice because, hello, they had just ARRESTED MY HUSBAND.)

Policeman:  It’s for failure to appear in court for a seat belt violation.

Me: Well, what do I do?  Where am I supposed to go?  I’m not from this area.

Policeman:  I am going to transport him to the county line where another car will transport him to the county jail.  You can post bond for him there.

Me:  ….ok.

Now, let me just say, at this point, my heart was pounding, my body was tingling in that shock tingle, and I was dangerously close to either vomiting and/or pooing my britches.  And I had no idea what Lance was going through.  I mean, the only pair of handcuffs he had ever worn were gummy handcuffs I bought for his Christmas stocking a few years ago. 

I got out of the car and went around to the driver’s seat.  I put on my seat belt, got out my cell phone and immediately called my father in law.   I cut right to the chase with him, told him that Lance was handcuffed in the back of a police car right now and to please help.  He assured me he would figure it out and not to worry.  Right.

I began the hour long trek back to our county.  I got lost along the way, one because Lance always drives and I’m looking at him or the kids or fiddling with the radio or whatever and never pay attention and two, hello, my husband had just been arrested and I was not thinking clearly.

Now, during all this, my two girls were going crazy.  They were crying, they were asking questions, they were deciding what horrible things Lance would have to go through.  I would just like to stop right here and thank Hollywood for filling my children’s minds with worst case scenarios.  (Yes, that was sarcasm you were picking up there.)

“Mama, will they make him eat bad prison food?”

“Mama, will they make him change into an orange outfit?”

“Mama, will they shoot him if he tries to get away?”

“Mama, we can never tell Grandmother, this will break.her.heart.”

Sigh.  Ya’ll, I did my best to calm their fears, answer their questions and reassure them that it would be ok.  But, hello, there are no parenting handbooks with chapters like, “How to properly behave when a parent is arrested in front of your child’s eyes”.  I was just winging it.

We did pray.  We prayed for him to be safe, for him to not be afraid, for everything to turn out ok.  We prayed it wouldn’t cost a bazillion dollars to get him out, that my father in law would have no trouble with the bond.  I secretly prayed that my own worst case scenarios would not happen.  The girls quoted verses they had been learning in school like, “What time I am afraid, I will trust in Thee.” 

We made it back, and decided to go home, to keep my tender kids from being traumatized further by going to the actual jail.  I tried to keep things normal and made them get ready for bed.  

Finally, finally, I heard Lance come upstairs.

Now, I am a sensitive person.  I am sympathetic, empathetic, all that good stuff.  But I so wanted to greet him with a “Hey, Jailbird”.  I chose the fall-on-you-with-kisses-and-hugs greeting instead.  My girls were full of hugs, too and broke into tears again.  After a few minutes and lots of hugs, we sent them off to bed.

So here’s what happened.  Back in September, Lance had stopped and bought gas in the car, hopped back in and went on his way without buckling his seat belt.  The policeman that stopped him was super nice, Lance said, and just gave him a warning.  He even told him it wouldn’t go on his record and that there was no fine.  Lance came home and told me about it and that was it.  We never heard another thing about it.

Apparently, that policeman either spoke incorrectly or entered the incident incorrectly because Lance was supposed to appear in court . 

Well, here’s the good of what happened.  First, we didn’t get a ticket for speeding (hello, which we weren’t doing anyways) just a warning. Second, the fine for the seat belt thing is only $25.  Third, this doesn’t go on his record.  And fourth, he didn’t have to actually sit in a cell with an orange jumpsuit, pumping iron with his new girlfriend, Steve.

So, aside from a humongous dose of humiliation, it all ended up ok. 

Now, we just have to find a way to break it to his grandmother before she reads it in the newspaper.

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23 responses to this post.

  1. good thing he was released immediately. conjugal visits are a pain to schedule. um. so i’ve heard.

    you left out the part about the cavity search. well. i guess that’s all for the better.

    (i’m glad everything ended up ok. sap sap sap. insert more sap here.)

    Reply

  2. The first thing I did when I read this was laugh.

    Second: Wonder if the seats in the backseat of the car are comfortable.

    Third: I started humming the Apple Bottom Jeans song.

    Lastly: I’m glad things worked out! Your girls will have a fun story to tell all their friends! I’m also reallly glad you have family to help you out when needed!

    Reply

  3. Posted by Aunt Melissa on January 13, 2009 at 3:38 am

    good story for the grandkids huh !

    Reply

  4. I will never look at any Steve the same again…

    Reply

  5. that is the funniest post i have EVER read!! i am sending everyone i know the link to this post! oh my…lol! you are a darn and i mean darn cute writer!

    Reply

  6. Posted by Brandee Spohr on January 13, 2009 at 4:07 am

    John and I agree…”Yep, only Lance”, then John muttered something about telling Mr Forsythe? Write this one next to WalMart in Louisburg NC 😉 Is it safe to laugh yet?

    Reply

  7. Posted by Matthew on January 13, 2009 at 4:56 am

    I want to know more about the gummy hand cuffs?

    Reply

  8. Ah yes I have had this very thing happen to me only my husband, many years ago, decided it would be ok to ignore his speeding ticket. Like it would go away or something. He still has this mentality come to think of it. If he ignores it, maybe it will just take care of itself, like-chores. And until recently I have been dumb enough to be the care taker BUT NOT ANY MORE I TELL YOU!!! NOT ANY MORE BWAAHAAHAA! wait….what were we talking about? Oh yes, handcuffs. Maybe now you should purchase a lady cop suit and arrrest him like Tom Cruise in that racin’ movie.

    Reply

  9. I laughed. A lot. Not the same, but I’ll never forget the time when I was pregnant with my oldest and we were driving back from visiting my family in Florida. I’m driving down the highway, not speeding, and blue lights start flashing behind me. I was asked to step out of the car and I was wondering what was going on. Then the cop asks me, “Do you know you were swerving? What have you had to drink today?” I started cracking up (not a great response) and said, “Coke, water…” THEY THOUGHT I WAS DRUNK! Got let go with a warning.

    I think I was just overtired. Needless to say, we stopped at the next exit and my husband drove the rest of the way home. He swears I didn’t swerve that bad and he has no idea why they stopped us.

    Reply

  10. I’m still intrigued with gummy handcuffs…

    Reply

  11. I want to hear about the fuzz shaving his head.

    Reply

  12. Posted by Candy on January 13, 2009 at 8:35 pm

    Maybe it is just the mood I am in this week but umm.. I certainly didn’t laugh I was tramatized while reading it thinking what you and the girls went through.. AND LANCE… so glad all went well.. love you

    Reply

  13. Posted by Sarah on January 13, 2009 at 10:00 pm

    I am so glad that it all turned out okay. Last year I got a speeding ticket, and my girls were in the back of the van(we were on our way to school). The cop said that he “could take me to jail because I was speeding in a school zone…” he also said (after I told him that I was a teacher at a Christian school) that “I wasn’t acting like a Christian” …anyways, I guess I am saying I understand the trauma and I am sorry you had to go through that. Blessings on your family! ~ Sarah

    Reply

  14. Posted by Kamryn on January 15, 2009 at 2:03 am

    Bad boys, bad boys…whatcha gonna do? I still want to get Lance a shirt that says “I survived Limestone County Jail.” He could so rock it out.

    Reply

  15. Posted by Aunt Vam on January 15, 2009 at 10:54 am

    An almost similar thing happened last year on the autobahn here in Germany, an unmarked cop car made aggressive moves on us, while we were whizzing along at 120mph, so my husband flipped them the bird. They flashed badges and made gestures for us to pull over, meanwhile, they called for backup. We were surrounded by 4 marked Polizei cars, including the unmarked car, they asked for my passport, I wasn’t even driving! Traumatizing!! I know how you feel, that tingling, the sense of “this can’t be happening to me!”, the whole UNREALNESS of it all. And you with the girls, how difficult!

    btw, what about those gummy handcuffs??

    Reply

  16. Gummy handcuffs and pooey britches!

    Reply

  17. Posted by Wendy Wallach on January 15, 2009 at 5:38 pm

    So good to see the humor of it all….

    madamerkf at aol dot com

    Reply

  18. Posted by joseph on January 16, 2009 at 2:03 pm

    Coming from someone who works in the court system, I see this all the time. Everyone ignores seatbelt citations / warnings. Never trust a cop when they give you details about a citation. ALWAYS call the appropriate court and get the real answer – that’s what they’re there for. On the other hand, you can order a pair of handcuffs from galls.com for fairly cheap. It’s not illegal to own handcuffs but it is illegal to own a handcuff key – go figure. Which makes it very difficult if you’re using them for bedroom activities. I’m not saying anything, I’m just saying… 🙂

    Reply

  19. Posted by robin on January 16, 2009 at 4:34 pm

    to answer the question from jennybunny……the backseats in police cars are not comfortable. and toddler car seats don’t attach well in them……ask me later.

    Reply

  20. Posted by MommyCao on January 16, 2009 at 4:52 pm

    Aiyaaahhh – That’s scary. My kids would completely freak out if Daddy was handcuffed and taken away…

    Reply

  21. I totally would have freaked out. Thank goodness mine didn’t get quite that far!

    Reply

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