“The futility of beauty” – thoughts from a cosmetically challenged woman

Sometimes I get to thinking about the futility of beauty.  I know, such heavy thoughts for 9:00 in the morning when I should be doing something productive like shredding paper. 

What started this think-fest was when I whipped out my handy dandy nail clippers and attempted to hack away at the talons that grow like weeds on my fingers.  These dead skin cells make typing not so fun, so I must tame these wild beasts on a regular basis. 

But isn’t it funny, when you’re watching TV and see commercials for things like nail polish (to coat these dead skin cells and make them purty dead skin cells) or shampoo (to make your head’s dead skin cells sleek and shiny) or mousse (to make the head’s dead skin cells poofy).  Geez, who can keep up? 

Let’s take dandruff for a moment.  I’ll bet like, 75% of the world has dandruff issues. (*Editor’s note, totally just pulled that statistic from my elbow)  You know, we might not even think something like dandruff is bad unless we weren’t inundated with TV ads for Head and Shoulders.  We might think something like, hey my hair has confetti! 

Although, I don’t suppose it’s romantic for your loved one to gaze adoringly into your eyes, running their fingers through your long and lustrous hair only to have head confetti sticking to their fingers…ok, dandruff is kind of gross.

But so are fingernails, or ear wax, and yet we’re all plagued with them. 

This is kind of what annoys me with books.  In books, reality is only the perception of the author.  You don’t see book characters doing things like, trimming their nails, using dandruff shampoo, lighting a match in the bathroom…normal human behavior.  Isn’t that strange?  I mean, I guess some books talk about the bazillions of things that women use to make themselves look better, but you don’t read anything about a woman looking into the mirror and realizing she can see nostril hair.  She might be ruing her crow’s feet, but that’s not something I can relate to, I want to know how normal women handle nostril hair.

Movies aren’t much better.  For example, did you see Princess Diaries with Anne Hathaway and Julie Andrews?  There’s a scene where Anne Hathaway has horrible frizzy hair, eyebrows that look like fuzzy caterpillars and the next scene, she’s got sleek and shiny hair and her eyebrows are tamed to beauty.  But HOW? 

THIS is something they should have taught in high school:  Personal Maintenance 101.  Look folks, I’m a clean person- I wash my hair, I condition, I shave my legs, I use tweezers on my eyebrows, I wash my face, I launder my clothes…but I don’t look like I belong on TV or anything.  I still kind of look like Anne Hathaway’s character before her princess makeover.  What’s up with that?  My breath smells in the morning, I don’t want to be all talking close with my husband like they do in the movies.  His breath isn’t so great either.  You NEVER see anything or read anything about how to maintain the nostril hair.  And I wash my face twice a day and my pores still look like giant black holes.  What gives?!

Beauty, it’s futile!


4 responses to this post.

  1. earwax is not gross. it’s pretty much play-doh on a tight budget.


  2. Posted by soundsliketomatoes on October 16, 2008 at 3:20 pm

    My kids think earwax is a snack. Why oh why do children taste everything?!


  3. You are really funny and I like the way you think!

    ~Mmmmm earwax~


  4. Posted by Krista on November 29, 2008 at 2:40 am

    You need to write for a proper living!! You are so down to earth and readable. I swear my kid has great pincer grip and finger dexterity from nose picking. Her ears don’t produce much dough!


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