An evening of solitude makes me a philosopher

Last night, after ushering my kiddos off into the sunset with their Nana, headed for Awanas, I went home and watched a movie.  I was all alone in my humble abode, completely encased in solitude.  No one came running up to me, tattling and screaming, no one asked me for juice, no one asked me to do laundry, to pay a bill.  It was just me and blessed silence.  It was delicious.

I had prepared for the evening by renting Baby Mama, with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.  It wasn’t Oscar material, but that’s what I wanted. To my surprise upon seeing the movie credits, I still had a hour to myself before the girls would be coming home.  I popped in Family Man

Family Man is one of my favorite movies ever.  I think technically it’s considered a Christmas movie, but I’m a rebel and don’t follow ridiculous social rules like that.  That’s just the way I roll.  In fact, if it wasn’t for Lance’s silly rule that I’m not allowed to play annoying Christmas music until after Thanksgiving, I’d be jamming it Christmas-style everyday. 

Anyways, I’m sitting there, curled up under my blanket, watching Family Man, my brain just a-whirling.  I kept thinking, there’s a blog in here somewhere. 

I got to thinking…

What would my life have looked like if some of the choices I made were different.  For example–my move to Florida to attend college.  I moved from Anchorage, Alaska in August of 1996 to attend a tiny 500-student college in the panhandle of Florida located in a town with two traffic lights.  Madness, you say?  Perhaps.  I had been climbing the walls of Anchorage for so long that I had to GET OUT AND GET OUT NOW.  My BFF, Robin, was with me at the airport and as she was hugging me for the final time, she said, “You’re not coming back.”  And she was right.  I had no desire to live in Alaska anymore.  The beautiful mountains were nothing more than walls to me, shutting me up from The Outside.  I had to get out.  But…

What if I had stayed?  I was already going to college there, I probably would have just continued until I got my degree in…Underwater Basket Weaving or whatever was in my mind then.  I probably would have kept renting that room in that lady’s house, driving my beat up Subaru.  I would have continued attending the same church, hanging out with the same folks.  I probably would have married some Alaskan rugged boy, maybe learning how to snowboard or some other snow-related sport. 

I made the better choice.  I got off the plane, started choking on the humidity in the air and knew I had made the right choice. 

How about the last boy I dated before meeting Lance?  He was talking of looking at rings, I was looking for a way out.  What if I had stayed?  His family was great, and he and I made a good team.  On paper it would have worked.  But when I called to tell him I didn’t want to continue, I knew I was making the right choice. 

What if, tho, we get a glimpse into life so radically different than how it is now?  Sort of like a reverse Family Man, more like It’s a Wonderful Life?  What if I had never even existed?

Wow, life would sure be different.  My mother was just a child, not even old enough to drive when she had me.  Her life would have been so different.  My life and George’s life are total opposites-I haven’t saved a child’s life because the pharmacist was going to poison him, there wasn’t some town bully buying up the whole town that I kept from happening.  But maybe my life has made a difference, somehow, somewhere.  I may not ever find out how. 

Perhaps it’s morbid curiosity that makes me think this way…what if?  Morbid or not, it makes me thankful to be right here, right now.  It is a wonderful life.


5 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Julie Rodgers on September 11, 2008 at 7:08 pm

    Kearsie, you might think it’s morbid, but I do it all the time too!! I think about what-ifs a lot. It’s fun. Because usually it makes me realize that somehow, I did the best thing after all because it got me where I am now. Kudos to you for figuring that out too.
    P.S. I’m so glad you moved to Florida and married Lance. You have most definitely had an impact on my life!!! I am so glad to know you. 🙂 🙂


  2. Posted by Julie Rodgers on September 12, 2008 at 12:22 am

    Oh and by the way, I love Christmas music too and sometimes listen to it in July. Lately I’ve been listening full-time to Jazz Standards and Show Tunes, but next week it might be Def Leopard. It’s nice to have an electic taste of music. 🙂


  3. Posted by Alice Wiggins on September 12, 2008 at 11:31 am

    Thank goodness you made that move. And isn’t it wonderful to look back & see God’s hand in every move you made even if you weren’t aware. Although we haven’t seen each other in years and weren’t that close once you got married, you made an impact on my life with your wonderful smile and fun attitude. Do you remember sitting at my house and watching a Robert Redford movie with me? That was one of the times I had to admit how old I was getting because Michelle Pfeiffer was going up the escalator looking down at RR who was smiling at her. I looked at you and said “would you be leaving if that man were at the bottom of the stairs?” You looked at me and said “that man is old enough to be my grandfather (ouch!), but no I wouldn’t.” That is one of my favorite memories of all the kids my kids brought home from school. Thanks for moving to Florida & I’m glad you found Lance & made a life together. And another thing…50 somethings who’ve been married for nearly 35 years still play the “what if” game and thank our lucky stars that our lives turned out the way they did. Keep writing, girl. I get all excited when I see an email notice that you’ve posted again!


  4. Posted by soundsliketomatoes on September 12, 2008 at 1:28 pm

    Haha, Alice, I didn’t remember this until just now. Man, I’ve got such a smart mouth! You guys rock. I’m so glad I know your family.


  5. Ok- who was the guy with before Lance talking about rings?

    And I love Family Man, too. One of the movies Scott and I both love, which is rare.

    I’m playing catch up on your blog. Last time I got caught up in something (your last post) was Francine Rivers Mark of the Lion series. I moved to ancient Rome and Ephesus for a week when I read those. It was scary and great, but I had this odd feeling the whole time like I was neglecting my family, which was probably correct.

    Thanks for the birth story. I love those! Nothing like a good birth story. I was induced four times before Caroline and thought pitocin was more painful than natural labor, but then I went into labor with Caroline on my own and the pain is the same, if not worse. No breaks in between contractions. I kept asking the doctor and nurses if they were SURE they didn’t give me pitocin b/c there was no way my body would betray me like that. But it did (betray me in the worst way) and it was awful but now we have sweet Caroline.

    So good to be back reading your blog- I’ve been a bit of an internet break. You are one of my favorites!


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