Since we only get to see you a couple of times a year, I’m sure you get to missing us sometimes. I got to thinking of a way to help curb that missing-feeling. It will only cost you a couple of dollars but a large amount of your hair may come out, just warning you.
First, go to the store and buy a big package of glitter. Any color will do, but for authenticity’s sake, buy a multi-colored batch. Now, head to the juice aisle and buy a great big bottle of apple juice.
Now, go home and scrub your kitchen floors and vacuum all your carpeted areas. We are now ready to begin.
Dump the glitter all over your clean carpeted areas. Make sure you really grind some in, deep down into the fibers that your vacuum will never ever ever get out.
Now, walk into the kitchen and admire your clean floor. Pour yourself a glass of apple juice and take one sip. Now, dump the rest of the juice on the floor. Insert your tape cassette I have enclosed and press play. Listen to me shrieking for the girls to get their butts into the kitchen and clean up the spill. Pull out your nicest dishtowel, you know the one you save for when company comes? Pull that out of the kitchen drawer and half heartedly attempt to clean the spill. Let it dry for a few minutes and attach a paper napkin. Pull the napkin away, leaving a few little bits and pieces of napkin attached. For good measure, sprinkle some glitter on it, too. Now walk away.
I have also enclosed some photos of me. One is a picture of me, with my eyes closed, fingers pinching the bridge of my nose, my whole body a great big sigh. The other is of me pulling my hair in frustration. Notice the spittle.
And if you STILL miss us, then head to your bathroom and clean the sink. Now, squirt toothpaste ALL over it and let it dry. Take a cup of water and dump it all over the bathroom counter. Leave it.
And if that doesn’t take care of missing us, you’re crazy.
Love your daughter missing tufts of hair,