Dear Mom,

Dear Mom,

Since we only get to see you a couple of times a year, I’m sure you get to missing us sometimes.  I got to thinking of a way to help curb that missing-feeling.  It will only cost you a couple of dollars but a large amount of your hair may come out, just warning you.

First, go to the store and buy a big package of glitter.  Any color will do, but for authenticity’s sake, buy a multi-colored batch.  Now, head to the juice aisle and buy a great big bottle of apple juice. 

Now, go home and scrub your kitchen floors and vacuum all your carpeted areas.  We are now ready to begin.

Dump the glitter all over your clean carpeted areas. Make sure you really grind some in, deep down into the fibers that your vacuum will never ever ever get out.

Now, walk into the kitchen and admire your clean floor.  Pour yourself a glass of apple juice and take one sip.  Now, dump the rest of the juice on the floor.  Insert your tape cassette I have enclosed and press play.  Listen to me shrieking for the girls to get their butts into the kitchen and clean up the spill.  Pull out your nicest dishtowel, you know the one you save for when company comes?  Pull that out of the kitchen drawer and half heartedly attempt to clean the spill.  Let it dry for a few minutes and attach a paper napkin.  Pull the napkin away, leaving a few little bits and pieces of napkin attached.  For good measure, sprinkle some glitter on it, too.  Now walk away.

I have also enclosed some photos of me.  One is a picture of me, with my eyes closed, fingers pinching the bridge of my nose, my whole body a great big sigh.  The other is of me pulling my hair in frustration.  Notice the spittle.

And if you STILL miss us, then head to your bathroom and clean the sink.  Now, squirt toothpaste ALL over it and let it dry.  Take a cup of water and dump it all over the bathroom counter.  Leave it. 

And if that doesn’t take care of missing us, you’re crazy.

Love your daughter missing tufts of hair,

Kearsie

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11 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Aunt Melissa on August 18, 2008 at 5:55 pm

    Gee, isn’t motherhood fun? And somebody actually calls girls “angels” … then they do something like this to keep our lives interesting. I’m sure you and Kam were angels too… love your story. thanks for the laugh.

    Reply

  2. Posted by soundsliketomatoes on August 18, 2008 at 6:08 pm

    Well, I don’t know about Kam, but *I* never did anything like this. I never, let’s say, decorated the wall with contents of my diaper. Nope, not me. I also didn’t open a jar of Vaseline and smear it everywhere. Uh uh, that was Trinette. I had NO part in that.

    Reply

  3. Posted by fivemoreminutesplease on August 18, 2008 at 9:27 pm

    That was great…very! I am thinking of sending it to my mother-in-law, who we just moved away from (8 hrs away)…it might give her a laugh!! If you don’t mind…and I would def give you all of the credit!! 🙂

    Reply

  4. Posted by soundsliketomatoes on August 18, 2008 at 9:30 pm

    Send away, my friend.

    Reply

  5. Posted by Mom on August 18, 2008 at 11:24 pm

    Hey! I think I resemble that blog! Are you saying NOT to send the girl glitter any more? Or to stay away from the apple juice? Wait, let me help you with that mess….I have this really nice guest towel I’ve been saving for the right occasion! And no, YOU were not the little darling who decorated the wall with her poop, that was her sister. YOU were the one with the vaseline all over the floor, the window, the bedspread, the toybox, your little body…you and Trinette thought that was the funniest thing EVER. How could I have known such little girls could make such a HUGE mess! It was a disaster then, but it sure is funny now. Aint love grand? Have to go now, I have to go pick up more glitter and juice 🙂

    Reply

  6. Posted by Kamryn on August 19, 2008 at 12:22 pm

    Hey, hey now. I’m an innocent party here. As far as the diaper fiasco goes — and for that matter, the 6-foot-wall fiasco — I still stand by my mantra: My brain told me to do it.

    Reply

  7. Posted by Candy on August 19, 2008 at 1:47 pm

    love it so true actually this morning it was tea I spilt trying to get the kool-aid out behind it. And the toothpaste still there and sitting water which ocassionally has a roll of toliet paper sitting in it. I thought girls where the cleaner ones but I have to say Jacob is much cleaner than the girls and easier on clothes and toys I rarely have to replace any of his things the girls well that is another story. Come to think of it I think I am messer than Greg I clean better but I also make a bigger mess lol..

    Reply

  8. Posted by Tiffany Davis on August 20, 2008 at 1:35 am

    Oh no! Thanks for the post … I won’t be buying glitter anytime soon! ha 🙂

    Reply

  9. Posted by Shanon Matheny on August 20, 2008 at 5:38 am

    My beautiful, precious, never-do-anything-wrong boys cleaned my carpet with Tide and cleaned my windows with sticks of butter. Then years later I kept having pee-pee on the wall across from my potty. My 2 little grandsons were being potty-trained, and as they would sit on my potty, it would shoot out between the seat and the rim of the pot. Girls are easier than boys.

    Reply

  10. Posted by Alice Wiggins on August 21, 2008 at 3:39 pm

    Okay, I loved your story…but Shanon’s made me laugh out loud. I can just see those little boys ‘potty-training’ and ‘raining’ on her wall. Too, too funny!

    Reply

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