Confessions of a Chocoholic

“Hi, my name is Kearsie and I’m a chocoholic.”

“Hi, Kearsie.”

“I’ve been clean for 48 hours and even managed to walk by TWO unopened bags of Kit Kats and Reese’s Cups without tearing into them like a bear tears into a King Salmon.”

Applause while I sit down and wipe a tear from my leaking eye.

It’s Day One of Kearsie’s Health Watch, 2008. 

There are many reasons people begin their health regime.  For some, it’s the pair of skinny pants that have been hanging in the back of your closet since 1993 that you just can’t bear to get rid of because someday, you might fit into them again (even if they’re horribly out of style and smell of mothballs).  For others it might be that event that is looming on the calendar such as the wedding of your high school sweetheart who felt the need to invite you to their wedding to rub your nose in his happiness to let bygones be bygones.  Or perhaps it’s that oh, so pleasurable activity called a “reunion”, whether it be family that you haven’t seen since you were in diapers or a school affair, where you are forced to smile and interact with people that you couldn’t stand ten years ago. 

I am choosing to get healthy for none of those reasons.  I am choosing health because I took my blood pressure yesterday and the numbers were frightening. 

I have been healthy before.  There was a time in college where I would wake up at ungodly hours and walk miles around the block.  I’ve done the Atkins/South Beach/Weigh Down Workshop/Weight Watchers diets with varying results.  Ultimately, the weight ALWAYS came back because, to be brutally honest, I love sweets.  Gimme cheesecake, gimme cupcakes with piles of buttery frosting, gimme chocolate.  And if that chocolate has some peanut butter attached to it someway, somehow…well then you just better gimme a whole lot of it. 

Now, you may be thinking to yourself, why don’t you just try some sugar-free chocolate?  Well, helpful thinker, lemme just say two words– sugar alcohol (aka the ingredient that will have you running to the bathroom for all your worth, knocking down little old ladies waiting in line in the Walmart bathroom and then screaming to God Almighty to MAKE IT STOP!)  It’s chocolate death, people.  NOT a pretty sight.  In fact, if I see those two words in the ingredient list “sugar alcohol”, there’s an uncomfortable queasiness that hits my stomach to this day. 

So, anyways, back to the blood pressure thingy.  I’m sitting there, gaping at the numbers that reflect how my blood is just a-pumpin’ through these fragile veins and coursing through my heart and it sort of smacked me upside the head that THIS IS BAD, THIS NEEDS TO CHANGE…AND SOON.

I haven’t been to a doctor since I had Addie four and 1/2 years ago.  PLEASE DO NOT COMMENT AND/OR EMAIL ME TELLING ME TO GET MY BUTT TO THE DOCTOR, ASAP.  I am fully aware that I am like a car that hasn’t graced a mechanic’s workshop and my engine is in dire need of attention.  I’m totally going to set up an appointment today this week really soon.  Okay? 

What I’m a little scared of, between you and me, is what I know the doctor will say.  He/She will say, in their scary authoritative doctory voice, “You are FAT.  You are FATTY MCFATTINGTON and you ought to be ASHAMED.”  And he/she would be absolutely correct.  Even worse is that I will actually have to PAY to hear this. 

SOOO, how about a little preemptive strike?  Much the same way someone who hasn’t graced the dentist’s chair madly begins flossing (like it’s actually a habit) the week they’ve set up an appointment.  Well I’m flossing -er, exercising.  I’ve been saying I was going to do it, and I actually am.

Now, after all my book reading on every diet known to man, including the awful ten minutes I actually considered the cabbage soup diet, I’ve come across a book that I feel like is the best representation of being physically fit.  It’s called The Best Life Diet, by Bob Greene. 

The Best Life Diet, by my buddy, Bob Greene

The Best Life Diet, by my buddy, Bob Greene


Now, here’s what I like about this book.  First of all, it’s not just a diet that you’re on for a short time, it’s more like re-vamping your whole eating lifestyle.  It’s chock full of ways to substitute your bad habits for healthy habits.  Secondly, you’re not expected to totally give up your beloved bad habits RIGHT AWAY.  Instead, this whole idea is broken up into three very simple phases.  (I totally don’t know if I’m allowed to share the actual content of the phases and since I have no desire to try prison food, I’m going to just recommend you truck to your local library and read the book.  It’s a good book, I promise.)

Well, this being Day One of Kearsie’s Health Watch 2008, I got my plus-sized toocus outta bed and threw on some walking shoes.  My iPod was already loaded up with plenty of Bob Marley and U2 so I hit the road.  I’ll blog more on that another day.

My short-term goals are pretty basic right now:  1) walk 30 minutes every morning and 2) drink more water, less soda.  I’m going to be honest and say that I have no idea if I’ll be able to stick to this every day.  If I can just keep myself from cramming a Reese’s Cup in my mouth faster than you can say “Fatty McFattington”, then I’ll know I can continue on this new journey.

6 responses to this post.

  1. Hmmm…how interesting that we both find ourselves concerned about our health after we both participated in Cast Iron Skillet Week ’08.


  2. Posted by soundsliketomatoes on August 11, 2008 at 8:00 pm

    For real. But what’s up with the lack of homemade macaroni and cheese? I feel robbed.


  3. Posted by fivemoreminutesplease on August 13, 2008 at 1:56 am

    I def need to check out this book!!


  4. Posted by fivemoreminutesplease on August 13, 2008 at 2:35 am

    Also, on another note, I just clicked your “cake wrecks” link, and laughed until I cried!!! SOOO FUNNY!!


  5. Posted by soundsliketomatoes on August 14, 2008 at 3:23 pm

    I LOVE Cake Wrecks. I laugh/cry too!


  6. Posted by Auntie Vam on August 23, 2008 at 7:49 am

    fyi, high blood pressure in our family: Nonny, your father, my father, and me. Also, I think TCK may have it…

    the docs are divided as to whether it is hereditary…if so, the odds are good that your goods are odd, oops I mean to say, that you should keep an eye on this. I had to start taking meds when I was 39. Watch salt and fat intake!


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