Let’s throw a toga party!  I’ll get the food.  You think 500 Krystal burgers will be enough?

 

- Things the Queen would never say

1.  I got to thinking the other day.  I’m turning 34 this month, and if I make it all the way to 68 then this is my middle of my life.  Which means I’m middle-aged.  Which means it’s ok to have a mid-life crisis.  Should I do something uber crazy?  Like get a tattoo or dye my hair?  Or maybe just make tacky jokes.  That’s way less high maintenance.

2.  What does it say about me that I did not mind that Blockbuster is already promoting Christmas movies?  Too bad Hubs has rules. 

3.  I told Co-worker that I was sad at how much I like that Party in the USA song.  She responded with “What can I say, she captivates the world”.  She said this without cracking a smile.

4.  hahaahahahahaah still laughing at that

5.  Going to see Christmas Carol in 3D tonight.  I am wondering if it’s ok to eat Twizzlers as my dinner. 

6.  I bet there’s fiber.  Or, umm, Vitamin something or other. 

7.  Speaking of fiber, I ate two Fiber One granola bars yesterday.  I won’t tell you how my evening went.

8.  But don’t worry, everything came out all right. 

9.  I am itching to delete that last sentence.  But I’m going through my mid-life crisis, see, so I’m supposed to say rash and bold things like that.  Right?  Erm.

10.  Maybe I should just dye my hair.  I can’t handle the pressure of bold and rash statements. 

11.  I cleaned my laundry room the other day.  It’s all nice and clean and lint free and you can see the sparkly floor.  Hubs found me in there the other day just standing around.  He asked, “What are you doing in there?”  I said, “It’s the only clean room in the house.  I just like to hang out in here.”  He blinked a few times and walked away.  Poor Hubs.  

12.  I dreamed last night that my mother in law came into our house in the middle of the night.  Then she left a choir book and a CD with a note that said “Be there this Sunday to sing this”.  And I was panicked.  I bet Freud would have all kinds of weird stuff to say about this.  I personally think I shouldn’t have eaten all those Wheat Thins right before bed.

13.  But then I dreamed that I was taking my kids to school and parked like a zillion blocks away and made them walk.  That must’ve been all the Pink Lemonade I drank.

14.  Don’t ask the Subway Sandwich Builder Guy how his day was unless you really want to know.  Because apparently the guy who works near me had an awful day and he hates his job.   

15.  He wasn’t very interested in putting together my sandwich.  Two olives do not make a tasty sandwich.

16.  Also, I can’t handle all the decisions.  Toasted?  Not toasted?  That’s just too much pressure.

17.  You know what else is too much pressure?  Besides the fact I have to pee?  Finishing this list.

18.  I’m allowed to quit at #18.  I’m having a mid-life crisis, remember? 

Happy Friday.

“Momma, what’s that boy’s name with the ring?  Tonto?”

“Is that a bad guy?”

“Why is that mean boy wearing a costume?”

“Momma, what’s the boy’s name with the ring again?  Mollo?”

“Why is he doing that?”

“Did that big bad guy with the eye lose his ring?”

“What’s that boy’s name with the ring?  Rollo?”

“Mommy would you explain this?  I don’t get it.”

“Would you read what that pretty boy just said?  You know, the Lego boy?”

“Mommy, what’s the boy’s name with the ring?  Mahollo?”

“Why is that shiny lady pouring water?  Does she want that boy with the ring to take a bath?”

“What’s the name of the boy with the ring again?”

“Did they have to find a really small guy to be Gollum?”

“What do you mean he’s like a cartoon?”

“I don’t understand this at.all.”

“What’s the name of that boy with the ring again?  Toto?”

“Mommy, wait.  So is that guy with the white beard a bad guy?  No not that guy!  The other guy with the white beard!”

“What’s the name of the boy in the red cape?”

“Why aren’t the little boys wearing any shoes?”

“Why are there no girls on the bad guys team?”

“What’s the name of that boy with the ring again?”

Man, I wish I had some bedazzled Converse High Tops.

–Things the Queen would never say

1.  I got to looking at my keyboard.  It’s really disgusting.  There’s about 5,000 crumbs all stuck in there.  It might feed a small country.  A very small country, filled with small folks, who eat small meals like crumbs.

2.  You know what else has about 5,000 crumbs?  My couch.  I know this because yesterday I had to tear apart my living room because I lost my diamond earring.  It wasn’t like a Liz Taylor Giant Egg Shaped $90,000 earring, but it was special to me nonetheless.  The Hubs gave the pair to me for our first Christmas.  Anyways, I had to dig all around and wade through the crumbs for my earring.  Kind of gross and awesome all at the same time.  Like childbirth.

3.  But I’m not going to say anything about all the hair I found or else you will gag. 

4.  Too late?

5.  This year for Halloween we decided to go whole hog and let our girls dress up.  Did you know you can provide electricity for that small country in #1 with what you pay for costumes?  Yeah, me neither.  If someone finds my arm and leg, please call me ASAP. 

6.  However, you will not find a prettier princess or awesomer SuperGirl.  No you won’t.  Quit arguing.

7.  8 weeks until Christmas. *hyperventilate*  I have two presents.  Two.  *stroking out from hyperventilating*

8.  Someone sent me free yarn in exchange for me knitting a cool and funky scarf.  I’m pretty sure this means I’m a yarn whore.

9.  I’m also pretty sure I have tendonitis/carpal tunnel/arthritis/wrist killing me/hand falling off in pain.  I wonder what my co-pay will be for all that?  I might could also provide housing for that small country.

10.  I’ve decided to not cut my hair for a year.  This means that my chronic bad hair is no longer just a cute saying. 

11.  I am addicted to this one song.  You know, from last week?  Too lazy to scroll on down?  Oh for Pete’s sake, I’ll just put the link again.

12.  However, since then, my addiction has been fed from another source.  Prepare to love this song even more.

13. It makes Insanity Kim happy that I have an interest in ASL.  It makes me happy when he does the homesick sign *chin pimple popping motion*.  Pure awesomeness.

14.  It’s a sickness.  I must watch it again.  I wish I could find Captain Valor and give him a high five.  Yeah *fist up and down*.

15.  You hear that sound?  That’s the sound me losing all credibility with my readers because of a stupid Miley Cyrus song. 

16.  Now that’s the sound of me of eating an Almond Joy.  I found one the other day with no almond.  It’s just like those times people eat a McNugget and find a chicken foot.  I ate it anyways even though it was false advertising as it was really a Mounds bar.

17.  I wish I had an awesome name like Captain Valor.  Any suggestions? 

18.  Hubs and I had a fun conversation last night.  You know how in some homes when you walk in the door the homeowners make you take off your shoes?  Even though your feet are all gross and sweaty and smelly and warty and crusty heels and no toenail polish and junk and you feel all uncomfortable?  Well what if you entered the home of a nudist, would they make you take your clothes off?  It’s kind of the same thing.  At least, that was our logic last night at 11:30 p.m.

19.  I hope Hubs has stopped reading my blogs.

20.  Happy Friday.

Setting: Desk of the human

Edward, bored out of his plastic mind, crawls out of my handbag.  He tells me he wants to play a game.  I suggest charades with movie titles.  Edward rubs his hands in excitement and quickly adjusts his scarf.  He begins the first clue.

“Um”, I say.  “Umm…Wait!  Is it Saving Private Ryan?”

Edward says yes.  He is surprised I got it so quickly.  He thinks of another clue.

“Wow, a toughie.”  I scratch my head. “Ooh!  Is it So I Married An Axe Murderer?”

Edward nods yes.  He is impressed with my skillz.

He stops a moment, thinking of a really hard one. 

“Hmmm…I’m going to guess Three Weddings and a Funeral.”

Edward huffs in impatience.  He turns over and poses again.

“Ooh ooh!  Um, is it Finding Nemo?”

“Dang!”  Edward says.  He grabs a prop for the next one.

“Duh,” I say.  “Ghost.”  I roll my eyes.

Edward removes his prop.  He thinks hard.  He takes his scarf off and poses again.

“Wow.  This one is hard.  Is it The Fifth Element?”

Edward shakes his head no.

“Hmm, then how about Interview with a Vampire?”

Edward says no again.

“Geez.  Ok how about Wolverine?”

Edward just chuckles.  I take that as a no.

“Dang.  I give up.  What’s the answer?”

“Twilight,” says Edward.  He winds his scarf around his neck and struts back to my bag.

Is that Bon Jovi on the radio?  Turn it up!

 

–Things the Queen would never say

1.  While often on these silly lists I am not really confessing anything, today I shall confess something for real.  Ready?  *Deep breath* I totally love this song.

2.  Let the mocking begin.  Your mocking hurts, but you know I’m gonna be okay, YeaaaAAAaaaaahh, it’s a party in the USA….I don’t care.  Mock all you want. 

3.  I bet you’re so jealous of my weekend plans.  What are my plans, you ask?  I shall be painting my bathroom.  I know.  EXCITEMENT GALORE.  I’m noddin my head like yeah.

4.  What’s worse: the fact that all I have to look forward to is painting my bathroom or the fact that I’m kind of excited to do it? 

5.  It’s all for my BFF.  Why I think she needs to see a painted bathroom when she comes for a visit, I don’t know.  It would be wiser to get the carpet cleaned.  Or exercise.

6.  Also, there is no way I’m going to lose 40 pounds in 27 days.  And I’m movin my hips like yeah.

7.  Remember myspace?  When it was cool?  Sad.  I feel bad for it’s noncoolness.  Anyways, I still go there sometimes because it’s easy to listen to music on myspace.  On facebook not so much.  So I went to myspace and put all the songs on the New Moon soundtrack on a playlist and I’ve been listening to it over and over and over.  I am now ready for the movie.  Brrring it.

8.  Yesterday, my boss sat at my computer when I got up to make some copies.  He heard the soundtrack playing and said “Kearsie likes weird European music”. 

9.  I think I’m just going to do it.  By it I mean open the other box with Edward and Bella.  What do you think?

10.  But I’m not telling my Hubs.  He just won’t get it.  He doesn’t get a whole lot about what I do.  But I provide him clean underwear and the occasional meal, so he doesn’t complain.

11.  Remember when I was all up in Twitter’s armpit?  Well, it’s back to being boring.  And not a boring addiction.  Just boring.  Noddin my head like yeah.

12.  I plan on giving this book for Christmas.  And I hope I get one too.

13.  I think I’m ready to learn to crochet.  All because of this shop.  Also some of her items are mature-ish.  I am not mature-ish so I look and laugh.  And wish I could crochet.

14.  Another confession:  I hunted forever the other day trying to figure out if Robsten are together or not.  I don’t care if you mock me.  It was a boring day and I just wanted to know already. 

15.  Then I sat and listened to Daniel Radcliffe interviews.  This is what happens on a slow day at work. 

16.  I think I know what I’m going to be when I grow up.  I’m going to be a bed-sheet engineer.  Because I can’t find one set of dadgummed sheets to stay on my bed without slipping off the corners.  For real.  I’m going to have a stroke one day screaming at my bed sheets.

17.  Also, I don’t really scream at my bed sheets.  That would make me crazy.  Noddin my head like yeah.

18.  Last night, I was told I’ve been misspelling “Febreze”.  This is almost as bad as the time I was told I misspelled “definitely”. 

19.  It sucks to feel dum.

20.  Wow.  It’s almost physical pain to look at that word spelled wrong.  But you know I’m gonna be okay, YeaaAAAaaahhh, it’s a party in the USA.

Ok, so.  You all out there who read this know that I’m a big fan of Twilight. 

I have the books.

I have the movie.

I even have my tickets to New Moon tucked safely in my bag along with my Edward doll.

I didn’t think too much about the silly consumerism involving Tshirts with TEAM EDWARD or TEAM JACOB. 

I didn’t even scoff when a friend sent me the link to these:

Nay. I did not scoff.  Instead I planned a whole new Adventures with Edward post. 

However.

And I repeat with meaning – However.

I just came across a link to Nordstrom featuring their whole new New Moon line.  And this is just too much folks.  TOO MUCH.

I give you the Luna Twilight DuWop LipVenom Lip Gloss. 

On behalf of the consumer world, I apologize to you,  Stephenie Meyer.  I’m sure that all those late nights of typing on your computer, creating the world of Twilight this is just what you envisioned- makeup products.  I’m sorry.  I bet you are shuddering right now.   I’ll bet you are just on the edge of your seat dreaming up the Twilight Garbage Can with matching Twilight Pillowcase/Bedsheet set.  I bet you are wondering when the Twilight Toilet Paper or Twilight Toothbrush, or excuse me- Twilight Fangbrush will come out next.  When the *chokes back tears* Twilight Cereal will be on shelves for little girls and boys and teenagers and Twilight Moms to breakfast with.  Alas for you and your baby called Twilight.

But who knows?  Maybe Stephenie Meyer uses the Twilight Venom lip gloss with pride.  Or the Luna Twilight “Just Bitten” Staining Balm.  Or maybe even the Luna Twilight “First Light” Face Glow.  *eye roll*

…Also, I wonder if that lip gloss is flavored?  Hmm, if it’s cherry, I think I want some myself.

Setting: Boulder, Colorado

Edward hears I am going on a trip to a far off country, full of snow and mountains.  He begs to go.  He must try to get his mind off of Bella Doll.  Plus he has a scarf.  So he is ready.  I tell him to hop in my bag and get comfortable.  He wiggles in next to my knitting and mittens.

We board the plane.  He climbs out of my bag and finds his seat.  He scoffs at the seat belt.  The Sky Mall magazine holds his interest for 13.9 seconds.  Then he is bored. 

The flights are short.  Edward watches Ladyhawke on my iPhone.  He thinks the ’80’s music is cheesy, but otherwise enjoys it.  Edward also thinks that Matthew Broderick’s English accent is lacking. 

Once the plane is landed, Edward enjoys the sites.  He conquers some strange metallic beast. 

It was hard to eat, but Edward decides this is exotic food.

Edward decides to stop and smell the flowers. 

They smell of plastic Bella Doll’s perfume.  Or what he imagines Bella Doll’s perfume smells like.  He has only really smelled her packaging.

The mountains and pines beckon to Edward.  He climbs a tree.  It is reminiscent of this movie he saw once with a human Bella.  He remembers the scene well.

 He wonders if he can ever persuade Bella Doll out of her box.  Alas.  For now, he just imagines her presence.

Heartsick, Edward wanders to a snowy patch and whips up a snowman.  He must be careful.  His powerful vampire hands tend to crush, not mold.  He shares his scarf. 

It has been a good trip.  Edward is glad he has visited Boulder.