The Accidental Cougarist

So.  This very weird thing happened the other day.  I just had to tell you.

I went to lunch with some coworkers and a friend.  No, that’s not the weird thing.  I’m getting to the weird thing.  I ordered my usual Diet Coke and lunch special and noshed on some chips and salsa.  That’s not the weird thing either.  Sheesh.  Be patient, folks.

Now, me and The Hubs are frequenters.  Meaning, we frequent the same restaurants and stores wherever we live.  We like to have witty banter with the waiters and cashiers.  We like knowing what’s happening in other people’s lives because we’re nosey friendly that way. 

So our waiter that day was (changing name to protect the innocent) Geraldo.  I spoke to Geraldo, asking how his Thanksgiving was.  I smiled.  I looked at him in the eyeball, because I think it would be weird to look anywhere else.  I threw in what little Spanish I know.  But it was harmless stuff, like no guacamole or sour cream, por favor.  Harmless.

Our meal comes, we dig in.  Geraldo comes back, refills our drinks, asks how things are, we smile and say things are great. 

Geraldo comes back, takes our plates away.  We wait patiently for our tickets. 

However.

Geraldo did not bring us our tickets.  Nay.  Instead, he brought us some ice cream, with whipped cream, and half a dozen cherries and chocolate sauce on top. 

I did not know what to think. 

That’s a lie.  I had many things to think:

1.  Will I have to pay for this?

2.  I do not like whipped cream, but I will feel like an ingrate if I don’t at least eat some.

3.  This will give me gas.  Not to mention all the refried beans from my meal.

4.  Oooh, more than one cherry!  It’s like an ice cream condiment jackpot!

5.  If I sit and tie all those stems in a knot with my tongue will that seem braggy?

6.  I need to share this.

7.  But what if the person I share this with has a cold?

8.  Dude.  Did Geraldo give me this ice cream because he thinks all my conversation was FLIRTING?

9.  The Hubs thinks I’m a flirt.  I think he smokes crack.

10.  …am I a Cougar?  

11.  I think I’m too young to be a Cougar.

12.  Maybe I’m a Puma.

13.  Hmm, that teenaged kid I sat next to at New Moon said I was a Cougar.

14.  Dude.  That is really insulting.  I am much too young to be a Cougar.

15.  I wish I could kick that kid’s butt.

16.  Besides, what was he doing at New Moon by himself anyways?

17.  Weirdo.

18.  Dude, all this thinking is hurting my brain.

19.  Wait.  Maybe it’s a freeze brain. 

20.  Is there still a can of Febreze in my office?

21.  I’m going to have to sneak to use it, else coworkers will know I have The Gas.

22. Too bad I just can’t come out with a public announcement I have gas. 

23.  My kids do it.  It’s cute when they do it.  Why isn’t it cute when I do it?

24.  It’s cute when my kids have pudgy thighs too.

25.  So unfair.

26.  Score!  I’m the only one who likes cherries.

27.  Can you overdose on cherries?

28.  Do cherries cause gas?

29.  Oh man, I better quit while I’m ahead.

30.  I wonder if Geraldo would get me a refill on my Diet Coke…

So the moral of the story is, be nice to your waiter and you might get free ice cream.  Or, be nice to your waiter and he might think you’re a Cougar.