The Accidental Cougarist

So.  This very weird thing happened the other day.  I just had to tell you.

I went to lunch with some coworkers and a friend.  No, that’s not the weird thing.  I’m getting to the weird thing.  I ordered my usual Diet Coke and lunch special and noshed on some chips and salsa.  That’s not the weird thing either.  Sheesh.  Be patient, folks.

Now, me and The Hubs are frequenters.  Meaning, we frequent the same restaurants and stores wherever we live.  We like to have witty banter with the waiters and cashiers.  We like knowing what’s happening in other people’s lives because we’re nosey friendly that way. 

So our waiter that day was (changing name to protect the innocent) Geraldo.  I spoke to Geraldo, asking how his Thanksgiving was.  I smiled.  I looked at him in the eyeball, because I think it would be weird to look anywhere else.  I threw in what little Spanish I know.  But it was harmless stuff, like no guacamole or sour cream, por favor.  Harmless.

Our meal comes, we dig in.  Geraldo comes back, refills our drinks, asks how things are, we smile and say things are great. 

Geraldo comes back, takes our plates away.  We wait patiently for our tickets. 

However.

Geraldo did not bring us our tickets.  Nay.  Instead, he brought us some ice cream, with whipped cream, and half a dozen cherries and chocolate sauce on top. 

I did not know what to think. 

That’s a lie.  I had many things to think:

1.  Will I have to pay for this?

2.  I do not like whipped cream, but I will feel like an ingrate if I don’t at least eat some.

3.  This will give me gas.  Not to mention all the refried beans from my meal.

4.  Oooh, more than one cherry!  It’s like an ice cream condiment jackpot!

5.  If I sit and tie all those stems in a knot with my tongue will that seem braggy?

6.  I need to share this.

7.  But what if the person I share this with has a cold?

8.  Dude.  Did Geraldo give me this ice cream because he thinks all my conversation was FLIRTING?

9.  The Hubs thinks I’m a flirt.  I think he smokes crack.

10.  …am I a Cougar?  

11.  I think I’m too young to be a Cougar.

12.  Maybe I’m a Puma.

13.  Hmm, that teenaged kid I sat next to at New Moon said I was a Cougar.

14.  Dude.  That is really insulting.  I am much too young to be a Cougar.

15.  I wish I could kick that kid’s butt.

16.  Besides, what was he doing at New Moon by himself anyways?

17.  Weirdo.

18.  Dude, all this thinking is hurting my brain.

19.  Wait.  Maybe it’s a freeze brain. 

20.  Is there still a can of Febreze in my office?

21.  I’m going to have to sneak to use it, else coworkers will know I have The Gas.

22. Too bad I just can’t come out with a public announcement I have gas. 

23.  My kids do it.  It’s cute when they do it.  Why isn’t it cute when I do it?

24.  It’s cute when my kids have pudgy thighs too.

25.  So unfair.

26.  Score!  I’m the only one who likes cherries.

27.  Can you overdose on cherries?

28.  Do cherries cause gas?

29.  Oh man, I better quit while I’m ahead.

30.  I wonder if Geraldo would get me a refill on my Diet Coke…

So the moral of the story is, be nice to your waiter and you might get free ice cream.  Or, be nice to your waiter and he might think you’re a Cougar.

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18 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Vanessa's mom on December 2, 2009 at 4:44 pm

    Thank goodness. Someone I know who knows what a cougar is. My sister and co-worker thought “Cougar Town” was the town’s name and wondered why those older (?) women were locking lips with younger guys.

    Let us know how “Geraldo” acts the next time you and The Hubs go back to the same restaurant.

    Reply

  2. 14. Dude. That is really insulting. I am much too old to be a Cougar.

    I think you mean too YOUNG to be a Cougar. At least I hope that’s what you meant! :-D

    I get weirded out when people think I’m SuperTeen’s older sister. Because then his friends look at me funny and I just get grossed out. NO NO NO!

    Reply

  3. I’m totally bummed. I look in my waiter’s eyes and I never get free ice cream. You must be (a) really good looking and (b) look like you’re 25. I’m jealous.

    Reply

  4. Posted by Aunt Vam on December 2, 2009 at 5:18 pm

    I think I was a cougar… In between my divorces and marriages, for a short while, I was seeing a younger guy who was 14 years younger than me. And that’s all I’m going to say about that.

    Reply

  5. I am def a puma; hubby is younger and, well, I guess that’s it. Maybe I’m not. Maybe I am just older…

    Reply

  6. You crack me up! “Will I have to pay for this?” Would have been my first thought, too! Followed by “I don’t like whipped cream…” You are much to young to be a cougar.

    When I was younger there was one pub where I went with friends where the bouncer would send me brownie sundaes. Cute, if a little creepy. : ) Hmm….that sounds funny – most of the places had bouncers come to think of it, I think because they got too crowded. Wow that was like 100 years ago.

    Reply

  7. Do you think if you annouce to “Geraldo” that his (free) ice cream gave you gas, next time you could get flan? Because flan rocks…. Also, if lunch with you ends in free ice cream, we will have to be more than blog friends when I move to Nashville…..

    Reply

  8. You are WAY TOO YOUNG to be a cougar.

    It doesn’t matter how you scored it, free ice cream is free ice cream.

    And I can’t believe my mom didn’t know what a ‘cougar’ is. :-D

    Vanessa

    Reply

  9. Posted by robin on December 2, 2009 at 8:54 pm

    poor geraldo. he is probably at home crying in his nachos over you. now if daniel radcliffe or robert pattinson (both 20 somethings) had crushes on me……mmmmmmm….that would be awesome. sadly, they don’t and even sadder i have never looked anyone in the eyeball and gotten ice cream. however, this one time, the manager at borders books and music saw me looking at the twilight books and he gave me the soundtrack for free! he said it was left over from a twilight giveaway they had just had and the person who had won it never claimed it. he gave it to me and i felt awkward and i asked myself most of the same questions that you did, but it was a TWILIGHT cd!!!! what was i supposed to say???? NO!!!??? get serious! i listen to that disk of goodness almost everyday!!!!

    Reply

  10. i got hit on by the mcdonald’s cashier this past summer. pshyeah.

    he was like… so. where you from? are you enjoying summer break?
    and i was like… you didn’t give me a receipt. that means i get a free apple pie.
    and he was like… oh.
    and i was like… yeah. that’s where i’m from. now hurry.

    the end.

    Reply

  11. also. he was like 16.

    Reply

  12. Cougar = free ice cream??

    Do you think 21 is too young to be a cougar? Maybe I could be a cougar at McDonalds, where all the 16 year old boys work

    Reply

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