Keyboard Confessions

1.  My bestie, Robin, is here from Alaska.

2.  This means I went to bed very very late.

3.  No one is allowed to talk about New Moon with me.  Because me and The Bestie won’t be going until tomorrow.

4.  Also, I’m suspecting The Hubs is jealous of not getting to see New Moon with me.

5.  I also am suspecting that Snuggie could be suing me over yesterday’s Adventures with Edward post.

6.  Wouldn’t that totally suck?  “Why are you doing time, Kearsie?”  “Oh, I killed a man, did a B & E at my bank, I made a Snuggie for my Twilight Doll”. 

7.  I bet those inmates would think I was so hard core.

8.  I wonder if I could bring my Edward doll to jail?  That’d make a killer post “Adventures with Edward: Edward does time for an infomercial”.

9.  Oh my gosh, I’m totally tearing up thinking about Edward in jail.

10.  Ya’ll, I am not totally tearing up thinking about Edward in jail.  I just say that stuff.  *wipes eyes*

11.  One more Christmas gift down.  Since you’re all curious of my progress.

12.  It’s kind of embarrassing how The Bestie will see how little I work.

13.  I’m trying to type away so it looks like I’m busy.  However, she just watched me typing my blog, so I don’t think she’s all that impressed.

14.  It’s so liberating to have friends you can talk about poop with and they don’t ditch you.

15.  It’s also liberating that some friends have Edward dolls and don’t judge.

16.  The Runner just made The Bestie shred paper. 

17.  The Bestie just jammed up the shredder.  Now she’s all panicked.  I’m just laughing.

18.  I’m suuuuch a good Bestie.

19.  Also I have suuuuch a headache.  Can you get a hangover from late night talking? 

20.  Ok, The Bestie wants dibs on this last Keyboard Confession.  She says they’ve totally worn out that Taylor Swift song “You Belong With Me”.  Word, Bestie.  Word.

Happy Friday.

Adventures with Edward: Edward and the Infomercial

Setting:  The Barbie Mansion

One day, Edward is kickin it in the Barbie Mansion. 

He’s watching his favorite show:

LOST.  Best show EVER.  He settles in and watches a re-run.  He’s very confused. 

A commercial comes on.  Edward is instantly captivated.

“The Micro-Snuggie*!” he shouts.  “Please can I get one?  Please?  Pleeeeeeaaaaasssseeee?”

And because I’m a sucker for cute vampire dolls, I say yes.

Edward orders a Snuggie to match his scarf. 

Three weeks later, it arrives. 

Edward tries it on.

“Well, whaddya think?” Edward says, standing ever so proudly in his new Snuggie.

“Erm, very…manly,” I say. 

Edward goes back to watching LOST re-runs.  He feels like he’s in the Snuggie infomercial.  Too bad there’s no Barbie remote.

Durned if I’m not jealous of Edward’s Snuggie.

* This is not actually a Snuggie.  Please do not contact Snuggie asking for a Snuggie, else I shall be sued.

Monday is a royal pain

Dude, get me a Slim Jim while you’re in there.  Ooh and a Big Gulp with Dr. Pepper, mkay?

 

-Things the Queen would never say

Keyboard Confessions

1.  Today is Friday the 13th.  I really hope I see someone dressed up in a hockey mask with a knife in hand or else the hype of this day will be lost. 

2.  Take my advice:  don’t eat a banana and then immediately drink from a soda can.  Trust me on this. 

3.  *Burp*  ugh…gross.

4.  Guess what?  Painting for 5 hours straight will kill your arms.  I know, I was surprised too.

5.  I totally stole the Hubs’ new jacket.  I’m not giving it back.  Ever.  *cuddling in the soft squishiness of the jacket*

6.  Pennies are money.  Except guess what?  No one likes it when you use pennies in the Self-Checkout lines at Wal-Mart.  Trust me on this.

7.  Ever wanted to be a Ninja?  Alls you gotta do is learn to Glare.

8.  Now in case you’re like me and end up stabbing yourself in the forehead and eyeball trying to do the complicated hand gesture thingy, here is a tutorial.  Yes I’m serious.

9.  You’re welcome.

10.  I have obtained three more Christmas gifts.  That makes a total of five.  I am still very very very behind. 

11.  I’m very glad to say that my love for Party in the USA has waned.  I only watch the video like…three times a week.  Tops. 

12.  I let some folks in on the upcoming Adventures with Edward posts.  There was a whole lot of staring.  Most of it was by The Hubs.

13.  Do you think the Queen gets on the innernets? 

14.  Do you think the Queen reads my blog?  I know, she’d totally love it.

15.  Do you think Stephenie Meyer reads my Adventures with Edward?  I know, she’d totally LOL.  Or sue me, one of the two.

16.  I’ve given up on making risotto.  It’s just too much pressure to be a good cook. 

17.  Hubs and I just switched sides of the bed.  Which means it feels like I’m totally getting up on the wrong side of the bed.

18.  Today is the last day to enter this giveaway:  http://www.wendiwinn.com/2009/11/giveaway-13.html

19.  I super hope I win. 

20.  Happy Friday!

Monday is a royal pain

Let’s throw a toga party!  I’ll get the food.  You think 500 Krystal burgers will be enough?

 

- Things the Queen would never say

Keyboard Confessions

1.  I got to thinking the other day.  I’m turning 34 this month, and if I make it all the way to 68 then this is my middle of my life.  Which means I’m middle-aged.  Which means it’s ok to have a mid-life crisis.  Should I do something uber crazy?  Like get a tattoo or dye my hair?  Or maybe just make tacky jokes.  That’s way less high maintenance.

2.  What does it say about me that I did not mind that Blockbuster is already promoting Christmas movies?  Too bad Hubs has rules. 

3.  I told Co-worker that I was sad at how much I like that Party in the USA song.  She responded with “What can I say, she captivates the world”.  She said this without cracking a smile.

4.  hahaahahahahaah still laughing at that

5.  Going to see Christmas Carol in 3D tonight.  I am wondering if it’s ok to eat Twizzlers as my dinner. 

6.  I bet there’s fiber.  Or, umm, Vitamin something or other. 

7.  Speaking of fiber, I ate two Fiber One granola bars yesterday.  I won’t tell you how my evening went.

8.  But don’t worry, everything came out all right. 

9.  I am itching to delete that last sentence.  But I’m going through my mid-life crisis, see, so I’m supposed to say rash and bold things like that.  Right?  Erm.

10.  Maybe I should just dye my hair.  I can’t handle the pressure of bold and rash statements. 

11.  I cleaned my laundry room the other day.  It’s all nice and clean and lint free and you can see the sparkly floor.  Hubs found me in there the other day just standing around.  He asked, “What are you doing in there?”  I said, “It’s the only clean room in the house.  I just like to hang out in here.”  He blinked a few times and walked away.  Poor Hubs.  

12.  I dreamed last night that my mother in law came into our house in the middle of the night.  Then she left a choir book and a CD with a note that said “Be there this Sunday to sing this”.  And I was panicked.  I bet Freud would have all kinds of weird stuff to say about this.  I personally think I shouldn’t have eaten all those Wheat Thins right before bed.

13.  But then I dreamed that I was taking my kids to school and parked like a zillion blocks away and made them walk.  That must’ve been all the Pink Lemonade I drank.

14.  Don’t ask the Subway Sandwich Builder Guy how his day was unless you really want to know.  Because apparently the guy who works near me had an awful day and he hates his job.   

15.  He wasn’t very interested in putting together my sandwich.  Two olives do not make a tasty sandwich.

16.  Also, I can’t handle all the decisions.  Toasted?  Not toasted?  That’s just too much pressure.

17.  You know what else is too much pressure?  Besides the fact I have to pee?  Finishing this list.

18.  I’m allowed to quit at #18.  I’m having a mid-life crisis, remember? 

Happy Friday.

Things my children ask while watching Lord of the Rings

“Momma, what’s that boy’s name with the ring?  Tonto?”

“Is that a bad guy?”

“Why is that mean boy wearing a costume?”

“Momma, what’s the boy’s name with the ring again?  Mollo?”

“Why is he doing that?”

“Did that big bad guy with the eye lose his ring?”

“What’s that boy’s name with the ring?  Rollo?”

“Mommy would you explain this?  I don’t get it.”

“Would you read what that pretty boy just said?  You know, the Lego boy?”

“Mommy, what’s the boy’s name with the ring?  Mahollo?”

“Why is that shiny lady pouring water?  Does she want that boy with the ring to take a bath?”

“What’s the name of the boy with the ring again?”

“Did they have to find a really small guy to be Gollum?”

“What do you mean he’s like a cartoon?”

“I don’t understand this at.all.”

“What’s the name of that boy with the ring again?  Toto?”

“Mommy, wait.  So is that guy with the white beard a bad guy?  No not that guy!  The other guy with the white beard!”

“What’s the name of the boy in the red cape?”

“Why aren’t the little boys wearing any shoes?”

“Why are there no girls on the bad guys team?”

“What’s the name of that boy with the ring again?”

Monday is a royal pain

Man, I wish I had some bedazzled Converse High Tops.

–Things the Queen would never say

Confessions of my dirty keyboard

1.  I got to looking at my keyboard.  It’s really disgusting.  There’s about 5,000 crumbs all stuck in there.  It might feed a small country.  A very small country, filled with small folks, who eat small meals like crumbs.

2.  You know what else has about 5,000 crumbs?  My couch.  I know this because yesterday I had to tear apart my living room because I lost my diamond earring.  It wasn’t like a Liz Taylor Giant Egg Shaped $90,000 earring, but it was special to me nonetheless.  The Hubs gave the pair to me for our first Christmas.  Anyways, I had to dig all around and wade through the crumbs for my earring.  Kind of gross and awesome all at the same time.  Like childbirth.

3.  But I’m not going to say anything about all the hair I found or else you will gag. 

4.  Too late?

5.  This year for Halloween we decided to go whole hog and let our girls dress up.  Did you know you can provide electricity for that small country in #1 with what you pay for costumes?  Yeah, me neither.  If someone finds my arm and leg, please call me ASAP. 

6.  However, you will not find a prettier princess or awesomer SuperGirl.  No you won’t.  Quit arguing.

7.  8 weeks until Christmas. *hyperventilate*  I have two presents.  Two.  *stroking out from hyperventilating*

8.  Someone sent me free yarn in exchange for me knitting a cool and funky scarf.  I’m pretty sure this means I’m a yarn whore.

9.  I’m also pretty sure I have tendonitis/carpal tunnel/arthritis/wrist killing me/hand falling off in pain.  I wonder what my co-pay will be for all that?  I might could also provide housing for that small country.

10.  I’ve decided to not cut my hair for a year.  This means that my chronic bad hair is no longer just a cute saying. 

11.  I am addicted to this one song.  You know, from last week?  Too lazy to scroll on down?  Oh for Pete’s sake, I’ll just put the link again.

12.  However, since then, my addiction has been fed from another source.  Prepare to love this song even more.

13. It makes Insanity Kim happy that I have an interest in ASL.  It makes me happy when he does the homesick sign *chin pimple popping motion*.  Pure awesomeness.

14.  It’s a sickness.  I must watch it again.  I wish I could find Captain Valor and give him a high five.  Yeah *fist up and down*.

15.  You hear that sound?  That’s the sound me losing all credibility with my readers because of a stupid Miley Cyrus song. 

16.  Now that’s the sound of me of eating an Almond Joy.  I found one the other day with no almond.  It’s just like those times people eat a McNugget and find a chicken foot.  I ate it anyways even though it was false advertising as it was really a Mounds bar.

17.  I wish I had an awesome name like Captain Valor.  Any suggestions? 

18.  Hubs and I had a fun conversation last night.  You know how in some homes when you walk in the door the homeowners make you take off your shoes?  Even though your feet are all gross and sweaty and smelly and warty and crusty heels and no toenail polish and junk and you feel all uncomfortable?  Well what if you entered the home of a nudist, would they make you take your clothes off?  It’s kind of the same thing.  At least, that was our logic last night at 11:30 p.m.

19.  I hope Hubs has stopped reading my blogs.

20.  Happy Friday.

Adventures with Edward: Edward plays charades

Setting: Desk of the human

 

Edward, bored out of his plastic mind, crawls out of my handbag.  He tells me he wants to play a game.  I suggest charades with movie titles.  Edward rubs his hands in excitement and quickly adjusts his scarf.  He begins the first clue.

 

 

“Um”, I say.  “Umm…Wait!  Is it Saving Private Ryan?”

Edward says yes.  He is surprised I got it so quickly.  He thinks of another clue.

 

 

“Wow, a toughie.”  I scratch my head. “Ooh!  Is it So I Married An Axe Murderer?”

Edward nods yes.  He is impressed with my skillz.

He stops a moment, thinking of a really hard one. 

 

 

“Hmmm…I’m going to guess Three Weddings and a Funeral.”

Edward huffs in impatience.  He turns over and poses again.

 

 

“Ooh ooh!  Um, is it Finding Nemo?”

“Dang!”  Edward says.  He grabs a prop for the next one.

 

 

“Duh,” I say.  “Ghost.”  I roll my eyes.

Edward removes his prop.  He thinks hard.  He takes his scarf off and poses again.

 

 

“Wow.  This one is hard.  Is it The Fifth Element?”

Edward shakes his head no.

“Hmm, then how about Interview with a Vampire?”

Edward says no again.

“Geez.  Ok how about Wolverine?”

Edward just chuckles.  I take that as a no.

“Dang.  I give up.  What’s the answer?”

“Twilight,” says Edward.  He winds his scarf around his neck and struts back to my bag.